Infinite Possibilities

bad goggie

2008-12-03T22:20:00.002-05:00

Huh! Okay, it's easier to post every day when I'm not working! Well, what a revelation.

That bad black dog, Dr. Seuss, ran away yesterday morning. I mean one minute I could see him sitting in my neighbour's yard and the next, poof! gone. Stealth goggie. I went around the streets, in my robe, at 5 a.m. calling him. I called *cookies* and rattled a bad of dog treats. No dog. I made his breakfast and went around the neighbourhood in my robe at 5:15 a.m. calling *breakfast*. No dog. Finally, as I was getting dressed, I don't know why, I'd already traveled around in my robe...to get in the car and look for him he turned up at the door. 45 minutes after he disappeared! His story is that he was abducted by aliens. He is very sorry but it was not his fault.
Really! I am a pretty open person but I think he was just hiding behind a bush and laughing at me!

Uh, hi.

2008-11-30T21:46:00.002-05:00

Just a rainy day here in Pittsburgh. Yep. All day.
I walked the dog.
I made curried oven-roasted potatoes.
I walked the dog.
I exercised on the treadmill.
I went to the grocery store.
I went to a meeting.

Hard to believe that took up a whole day.

brownies

2008-11-29T21:53:00.004-05:00

Oh, bliss! I have found and made Cherrybrook Kitchen fudge brownies. Go to www.cherrybrookkitchen.com and you too can find lovely goodies that are dairy, egg, and nut free. And they also make gluten free mixes too. Yes, kids, I'm sorry to say, it was a mix. But, it makes a morish brownie. I had to offer them for sharing so as not to eat them all. I have a chocolate chip cookie mix in the cupboard.
And, if I hoard my little upc symbols I can get cool Cherrybrook Kitchen merchandise. For the cost of postage, naturally.
It makes me happy to have brownies.

I decorated the house today. My ceramic tree is up, some of my houses are out, I put up two wreaths, and I dusted off my snow globes. It has been four years since I decorated for Christmas. Not since my girlfriend died. Something shifted this year and I wanted to decorate. So I did. It feels a little like picking a scab (sorry) but it also feels like I found pink skin underneath.

soup for me!

2008-11-28T23:09:00.002-05:00

I made turkey soup from the bones of the Thanksgiving turkey. It is quite good. I put cumin in it so I wasn't sure how it would turn out. I've never heard of cumin in turkey soup but I like cumin. I use it a lot. Curry too. I put barley in it. The kind that takes like an hour of hard boiling to cook. Plus all the regular things like celery, onions, peas, corn....
I got rave reviews except that it wasn't salty enough. So...add salt!

I did NOT go shopping today. No. I try not to.

I did however, walk my dog and then do two miles on the treadmill. I have been asked why I do both...especially in the same day. So, here's why: walking the dog is a peaceful, leisurely activity wherein the dog sniffs and I look around. Sometimes the dog points out interesting things for me to look at. Like squirrels and other dogs and people. Sometimes I find things to look at all by myself. But the point of these outings is to be present in the world around me, to enjoy the vargaries of the weather and to connect with my dog.
When I am on the treadmill I am turned inward. There isn't much to look at so I close dmy eyes. I listen to my body and I feel it working. I think in a different mode. I am working on a different *part* of me during each activity.
That is why I use the treadmill and walk the dog in the same day.

I went to a meeting which is very dear to me and saw people who are very dear to me and then went to coffee with a friend who is also very dear to me.

Now it is late and I am tired.

Tomorrow's agenda: decorate for the holidays and bake some chocolate chip cookies (dairy free).

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T22:44:00.004-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sorry I missed posting yesterday. I was busy cooking.

Yep. I'm thankful. All the usual stuff. health, dogs, rat, warm sweaters, house, food. yep.

I get to teach this stuff every year. And it makes me cry and my students don't understand. *Why are you crying Marjie?* Well, my little five year old friends, I am crying because we celebrate a holiday thanking god and this is right and good. Yes, my friends we should thank the Higher Powers of our lives for the good and the fruitful. We must also learn to thank our Higher Powers for things that we don't actually find so sweet. But that is a more advanced trick. Level 3 or something.
But, I digress. You see, what makes me cry is that some hundreds of men women and children left Plymouth, England and sailed for a new life in this land we now occupy. Well, by the end of their first winter here they were down by half. There were about 50 of them left. Mostly children. The children and I had a good conversation about this. See, they are five and they are invincible. So, if they were in a brave new world they would be able to do what was needed. Feed the chickens, carry wood, carry water, mind the baby, etc. They could have and they would have. But what we also read/discussed was that part of the reason our dear pilgrims made it through that first winter was that they found a stash of corn left when the indian tribe who had lived there all died of probably smallpox. No one knows. The English who had kidnapped Squanto left behind something that the native peoples of this continent had no resistance to. So, when our dear pilgrims arrived sick (scurvy) and weary and starving they discovered the stores of the decimated tribe. Would they too sicken and die. No, of course not silly. They came from the disease-ridden cities of England and they were immune. They might lose a child or two but those who grew to *manhood* were immune. So, they survive the winter thanks to the natives that they killed. (Well, okay, they didn't kill those natives personally.) And in their defense one source we read said that they agreed they must *pay* the indians back for the corn they ate. And they ate 5-6 kernels of corn a day. So they weren't having a feast. And they do set up a peace treaty with the Naragansett tribe which lasts for the next 50 years. By which time those who took part in the deal were most likely dead.
The worst part, I think, is the part where Squanto comes to the village alone. Look, he saw smoke from his old village. What would you think? Oh, sweet Mother Earth! Someone is there. Someone came back! And then he goes there and finds the same *nation* of people who had kidnapped him! What does he do? He helps them! He shows them where to hunt and how. These folks could not hunt. Even the ones who could shoot came from a place where hunting was called poaching. And it was a punishable offense. Not going out on a limb here. I don't know what the punishment was really. I seem to remember it could have been death. Not sure. If you know, tell me. So, here they are in a world without butchers or bakers or landlords and now they must hunt or starve. So, this guy, this *savage* as they called him, teaches them how to hunt, where to hunt, how to fish, how to get clams and other edible sealife. He saved their sorry asses from starvation cause they didn't even have any corn to plant and they didn't know if the seed they brought from England would grow here. Sheesh! Squanto shared with these poor slobs the bounty of his land because he did not come from a tradition where one owns the land. The bounty of the Earth was there for all to live. This as opposed to a land where shooting a rabbit for dinner got ya in big trouble. At the least the gamekeeper probably had the right to shoot you. But, do we include this information in what we generally teach children about Thanksgiving? No, not so much. But see, my kids are the indians at the big whole school feast. The threes and the fives are the indians because the indians at the first Thanksgiving outnumbered the Brits by 2-1. So, we always do a unit on who the indians were that met the pilgrims and who the indians were that lived here. Where we live. Where the Target stands. Where the fountain at the Point stands. Well, no tribe lived where the fountain at the Point stands. The land around Pittsburgh was hunting grounds for various tribes. So, while many tribes came through, set up hunting camps, fished, etc, none lived here. Huh! But we study the Iroquois Nation because there were the closest. We got this information form the Native Studies Dept at The University of Pittsburgh. I just went to my local library and asked for some help. Turned up no local tribes on maps, went to the History Museum, got given an email and a name at the Native Studies Dept. Went off email. Was given lovely information about no tirbes living on the hunting grounds and the Iroquois being indeed the closest tribe to the area. So, we learn about the Iroquois, we build long houses, we read about what they ate and played. That's important when you are five. We learn a bit about what they believe and how they worship. We let it sink in that we saved the sorry asses of those pathetic and totally unprepared Brits. And then we all remember that while we may not all actually be those Brits we actually all are European. At least this year.

I'm back again

2008-11-25T22:48:00.002-05:00

We are having snow. Big fat flakes of beautiful snow. It's not laying much but it's quite lovely.
I have all the ingredients for a dairy free Thanksgiving! I am very excited. There will be pie and stuffing and lots of yummy stuff. I'll be cooking it myself because of this:
Brother's Girlfriend: *I made this and it's dairy free.*
Me: *What did you put in it?*
B.G.: *Vegetables, noodles, and cream of mushroom soup.*
Me: *Yeah, what do you think the *cream* in cream of mushroom soup is made of?*
B.G.: *Oh, I didn't think of that.*

Yeah, so I'll be doing the cooking because I am looking forward to the eating.
And the breathing.

day 3

2008-11-24T21:12:00.002-05:00

Well, here's your third dose of me in three days.
Long day.
Cooking with 5 year olds.
Stuffing in the morning.
Pumpkin cake in the afternoon.
I can't eat any of it. It is all made with dairy.
But our school feast is tomorrow. We are the Naragansett.
We are not a glum lot. We have learned a lot about the native peoples of New England and Pittsburgh. And no, there were not any tribes living here at the time. Pittsburgh was the hunting grounds of various tribes.

And then, I went to the meeting of District 21, Area 60. If this is Greek, you're not in A.A. Nevermind.
But, I have been elected DCM (see previous post for explanation) for our district. I am conflicted. It is a big task.
But, there it is.

daily drivvel

2008-11-22T22:41:00.002-05:00

Here I am, back again and I only posted yesterday. It would seem that lately I've been poting once a month. My goal is to up that.

Today's daily drivvel is all about food allergies. I am just getting over the last exposure to dairy. That happened on Wednesday. I ate out. Folks don't understand. I ate something that had dairy in it. See, some people think that only means like, *is there milk in it?* No. It means not only milk but butter, buttermilk, yogurt, cream, sour cream, cream cheese, ice cream, buttermilk, milk solids, whey, casien, yada, yada. The list is LONG. Many people who work in restaurants just simply do not know. So, therefore, I am done with eating out for now. I have not been able to breathe since Wednesday...okay, not breathe well or without wheezing. I can do a great Muttly inpression. Remember Muttly?
My stomach has been very unhappy too.
I have been discovering that the pain caused by ingesting an allergen is similar to hunger pains. At this point I am trying to distinguish between the two. Well, not at this exact moment because now I am feeling better. But over the past three days, I tried to figure out which it was. Was I successful? Well, no, but I had a revelation.
Back when I was a size 5 I ignored my bodies need for food and I ignored hunger pains. Silly body. Thinking I was going to feed her just because she was hungery. So, trying to stay healthy in a more self-loving way has been interesting in itself. I didn't put on that much weight. Only 10 pounds. But the similarity of the pain gave me a lot to think about. See, back when I was ignoring the pain I was ignoring the fact that not only was I not meeting the needs of my body but what I was eating was making me sick. But ignoring one kind of pain lead to ignoring other pain and lots of other problems as well. Like having to spend three hours in the allergists office because I was having an asthma attack which I was ignoring. I did that a lot too. Silly body. Thinking it should have air to breathe.

So, today, after the allergen invoked migraine went away I made curried oven-roasted potatoes and a tuna noodle dish. Safe and yummy. And I took the dog to the nature preserve and we walked in the frigid air. It never made it to 30 degrees today.

So, I'm paying attention now and I feel better. Let's try to keep it that way.

All the odd bits

2008-11-21T21:38:00.002-05:00

Okay, it's been a while. It always is. Maybe I should try to post more. Just the stupid day to day stuff. Then my few readers could be bored daily but it wouldn't last so long. Okay, I'm in a weird, very calm mood.
So, I'm still coming to terms with the food allergies stuff. There seems to be a process. Isn't there a process for everything? I HOPE I'm moving into acceptance. It's just stupid to eat things that make me ill and compromise my breathing. Just stupid.
My surgery, I mentioned that didn't I? Well, it went well. Although it will be 2-3 weeks more before things finish healing. So says my doctor. And another 2-3 months before the full impact of the surgery will be known. It was an endometrial ablation. See, I did know what it was really called.
Life has gotten busy. I have been trying to help get our A.A. district active again. We have LOTS of meetings and all...we just aren't active in the wider service structure of A.A. So, we're trying to change that. This means that I MIGHT be elected DCM (district committee member) for our district. I don't think I really want it but...I'll do it for the recommended 2 years should I get elected. Not fussing about it, not really, it's jsut that it's a big job. There will be an alternate DCM who should help with the tasks required. We shall see.
There really is so much that I'm having a hard time remembering it all. Maybe I should poet more often.
It is REALLY winter here. It was 20 degress the last time I heard. And snowing.
And Daisy the Dog is learning to hold a stay when the doorbell rings. I think this is actually doable. She does it near the door. The task now is to more further away. It's a work in progress.
More tomorrow.

2008-10-25T22:20:00.002-04:00

It's been a while and I guess it's time for an update.
I had my surgery of which I spoke in one of my last posts. I guess it went well. I'm still recovering. Healing. It will take four weeks. But this is different. Cause there is no scar, no physical reminder that my body has received a trauma. Except for the exhaustion and tiny cramps. Not bad at all. But then, what I had before was so bad I would feel faint. So, I'm not the best judge. Great for me though. Now if the aftermath of discharge would stop I would be able to answer the question, *How'd your surgery go?* with more certainty.

My brother who was supposed to have surgery the same day as me had his a week later due to an infection. He now has staples all the way from his ankle to his groin and some on the outside of his leg too. And some on his belly where they harvested the artery to transplant. How is it that there is artery just lying around that can be transplanted from one place to another? But, he will lose some toes despite the transplant. The last official word was two toes but from the look of his toes all four of his smaller toes are black and seemingly fused with necrotic tissue. Disgusting. Yep. But, it was like a horror flick. I had to look. I'm like that.
He may, in the end, actually lose the whole leg.

On a lighter note. We had a lovely Samhain ritual with another local coven. It was nice. We had a spiral dance and honoured our dead and the baby. She cried. There was a festival held by the other coven today as well. It was fun and there were interesting speakers. And drumming. And food. Vegan food. Which is good cause I can eat that. No dairy.

Warning: Topic Change!
I had the most disturbing using dream Thursday night. My brain turned out bits of squirelled away information. I dreamed about the way pot burns when ya inhale and I flet the heat of the joint on my fingers. Not to mention all the mental and emotional machinations. Oh yeah. It was real enough to be VERY DISTURBING! I had to think about where I was when I woke up. I sometimes realize I am sreaming while I am dreaming and sort of dorect it. Not this time. I was not in control of this dream. Freaky.
And Friday just went on being a weird day all day long.

But now it is Saturday. A day of almonds and raisins. Joy and sorrow.
I'm grateful I can feel it all and live it all.

a few updates

2008-09-21T22:35:00.003-04:00

Daisy, the dog who needs lightened up is up to day 10 of the *plan for doggy relaxation*. Okay, okay, it's been over a month. But she has made progress (see schmoozing in the last post). It's a 15 day plan so we're doing okay.

She had a little set back when the can of cheeze whiz made a spurting sound when it was nearly empty and scared the dickens out of her. She would not come back into the room with the can of cheeze whiz. We're working on that now too.
She has accepted offerings from the new can but she looks at it like it might do something crazy at any moment.

Where I've Been

2008-09-21T22:00:00.002-04:00

I've been *not blogging*. That's where I've been. See, when things are going on, I'm not really very likely to blog about them right off. You, my couple of readers, are glad, yes, very glad of this. If you know me to speak to then you will know that this is true. when I am in the middle of things I cannot verablise them very well. Though I do try. It genrally comes out as gibberish which my f2f friends put up with in the most patient manner. Thank you.

Here's what's been goin' on:
My body has gone on a rampage. Perimenopause has chosen the past few months to make it's presence known. Although I have suspected this to be the case for a while. And then, in what seemed like a sudden reversal, there were some other disturbing symptoms. (If you are not a woman...oh well, I am and this is my blog.)
I started bellding several times a month. *This*, I said to me, *is not normal*. So, after several visits to the doctor, an ultrasound and a very painful pipette biopsy to rule out cancer fibroids and csyts were discovered. Okay, so my body had not blown a gasket of anything. It was just trying to fix a problem. Fix not working. The whole scenario has been very scary. But the worst is over. Really. All the tests came back negative for cancer. Lining of uterus normal, etc. Except for the fibroids and cysts. The cysts were unclear as to whether they were solid (a concern) or not. So I will have another ultrasound in December to look at them again. The fibroids and the crazy, ridiculous bleeding will be dealt with by cauterizing the lining of my uterus. Yay.
I was further disturbed during all this by well meaning friends who shared that they had been having similar problems FOR YEARS!! Oh. My. Gods. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Well, it turns out that they had either chosen to do nothing or chosen to find out what the probelm was and do nothing. Oh. I feel better now. My panic on this front was exacerbated by the calm reaction and *you're fine* manner of the nurses who one speaks to first at my doctor's office. These were the first line of professionals I dealt with and it seemed that they were really not all that concerned. Now, perhaps, they were trying to prevent panic. They failed. I paniced because they did not seem as concerned as I thought they should be about my symptoms. Ah, well. I have a lovely Program that helps me deal with, not only my panic over my symptoms but also my panic over their lack of panic over my symptoms. And then there is the wonderful gratitude I have.
I am grateful that there is a solution to my problem.
I am gratful that I have a Program for living and enough time practising it to DO something about my problems.
I am grateful that all the tests for cancer came back negative.
I am grateful that all the women who said they've been putting up with these kind of symptoms for years were honest enough to admit that they haven't done anything about it.
I am gratful for the care and concern of my friends.

That's it.
Oh, and my dog, Daisy, had her reunion at the shelter she was adopted from today. She ate ice cream and schmoozed and gazed into the reflecting pool(it was supposed to be a duck pond where in the dog takes a duck out of the water and wins a prize but Daisy doesn't do water play) and played Simon Says. She lost and she did not pout. She got a bag of loot too. Rawhides, pig ears (ewwww!), milkbones, chewy treats, two bandannas, poop bags in a cute carrier, a frisbee, a pink ball, a really giant milkbone, and a coupon for a free nail clipping.
good fun.

knowing -- noticing

2008-08-08T22:05:00.002-04:00

I am a witch. And so I know some things and I notice some things. Like I NOTICED the moon tonight. It looks just like the moon in Harold and the Purple Crayon. I also teach Kindergarten. And BECAUSE the moon looks like the moon in Harold and the Purple Crayon I KNOW that it is a waxing moon. BECAUSE the last time I NOTICED the moon it was smaller. So it must be waxing. I mentioned I'm a witches. Witches pay attention to things like this. Or, at least I do.

What does this mean? Well, it means that while the moon was waning I was busy dumping a lot of junk that I don't need anymore and that isn't working for me now. Now, while the moon is waxing I'm building new skills that will serve me better.
I did mention I'm a witch, right? Okay.
While the mmon was waxing I was sort of melting down myself. Some people call it an Alanon Slip. But, see, slips have a more serious meaning for me, so let's go with *episode*. Which is actually a very mild term for the emotional reaction that it is describing. But, I lack a better term. So, for now it will do. I spent several days mostly in tears. Why? Hmmm. Anger, frustration, powerlessness, fear. My brother had 5 arteries transplanted in his legs. He had no pulse in them. My mother drinks too. I know a solution. They don't want it. I can't make them. Yes, I am a witch. But, in my early days I learned that it is best not to mess with the will of others cause then ya get all tangled up in the webs ya weave and it gets ungly. Plus, it's just not very nice to go messin' with other people's stuff. Not to mention that it is very codependent. So, I had a melt down instead. Which was actually very useful to me. Cleared the way for much more useful behaviour. Cause I was thinkin' of getti' the family on the show *Intervention*. Yeah. Not.
So, now I'm going to Alanon and not quite so puffed up cause I got 18 years sober and I fucking WORKED the steps and all. Yeah, now I can listen more and I've even found a few resentments that were tucked away for 30 odd years waiting for their time to be resolved. It gets different.

My family annoys me greatly. But there ARE people who ask for my help and those people it is my duty to help. See, I owe a debt of love to the people who helped me get sober. And the only way to repay it is to pay it forward. A girl I know who went back out called me for help. So, we met at a meeting and stayed for the meeting, of course. I can't really express in words just how much pain it causes me when someone who has some time sober drinks again. But, we each have only today and without a Power greater than ourselves, that could be anyone of us. We have a *daily reprieve contingent on our spitiual condition*. And so, we talked. I asked simple self care questions. We talked more after the meeting. Lots of people talked to her. We all owe a debt we must pay forward.
While we were talking another woman's 4 year old son took a header and skinned up his whole face. He was oaky but bloody. We got him cleaned up but he was upset. I took her to get first aid cream and bandaides at the drug store. I let her son look at the pictures in my phone while we waited. It calmed him down. SOMEHOW he managed to change my phone service...he added a service I did not have. After I dropped them off at their home I got a text from Sprint telling me that my service change request had been confirmed. Yeah, yeah, I called and got it removed. I never saw him do it!! When did he do that?? How did he do that?? That'll teach me!

And to top it all off my dog needs remedial training. But she is doing well on the Cheese Whiz when we see a kid plan. (She is afraid of children, especially children on wheels.) And there is a daily practice of relaxation (for the dog). Her trainer says she needs *lightened up*. She is too dark. And this is not the most woo woo trainer in teh City of Pittsburgh. After eleven days we are on *Day Four* of the relaxation scheme. So it would seem that the dog is indeed a bit tense.
And she was consecrated as a magical tool (by accident) when she was much smaller and I could hold her in one hand. No wonder things are a little crazy. One of my magical tools is tense!

One Day At A Time Dear Daisy Dog.

Where do they come from and why do they pick me?

2008-07-21T17:47:00.002-04:00

Stunned would be a good word. Yep. I think it's the best one to describe my reaction. I was at a meeting on Sunday morning. I go to this meeting most every week. Except when I miss it because of an A.A. Area Service meeting. Well, the woman who took me to my first meeting about 22 years ago was there. It always gladdens my heart to see her. So, I sat with her and we chatted. She says to me. *You're quite the topic of converstain at meetings.* Huh? What do you mean? Well, it would seem that there is some guy (I don't know him nor did I recognize his name or that of his sponsor) who refuses to hold hands at meetings now because I am wiccan. Hmm. I NEVER say that I am wiccan. When asked, I say I am a witch or a Pagan. Anyway, he believes that I will suck out his soul while holding hands DURING THE LORD'S PRAYER AND GIVE IT TO THE DEVIL!! Wow! I had no idea I held such power. Why am I always the last to know? First of all, I feel sorta sorry for the poor christian whose god is so weak that he can't protect his followers even during a prayer directed at him. *Our Father Who art in heaven... I'm sorry, Father's out just now. Can you come back later?* Cause Reclaiming Feri isn't the only path I know. Words hold power for christians too. And names. I am pretty sure that I was told my soul was safe with Yahweh's name on my lips, in my heart, whatever. I'm pretty sure I was told that my soul was always safe. Right up to the time when I became the definition of a blasphemer.

At first I was stunned, appalled, scared. What did this mean? For me? For the sobriety of this guy? Well, his sobriety is out of my hands. For me? It could mean many things. It could mean that I do ont go to the meeting where he supposedly met me which I occaisionally go to. It could mean that I go there are regularly as possible just to piss him off and steal his soul. Which would be mean and the brainchild of an undealt with resentment. This will probably not happen. Although I may still go to this meeting on occaision. But for the near future I will be going to a women's meeting in the East End instead of this meeting in the West End. I am the GSR for a meeting in the East End and our district meeting is on Monday nights just before the women's meeting. And, I have been going to this meeting for over a month and have NOT been going to the meeting wherein all the hubbub has been brewing. Guess that's why I didn't know anything about it. Either that or no one wants to piss off the witch. The woman who took me to my first meeting? She has more sense than that. Plus, she's not a gossip. Otherwise I would have heard this witha grain of salt. Oh, and it seems that I have run afoul of a couple at the West End meeting by objecting to the way they handle their sponsees. Isolating them and controling their every move. It would seem that I was out of line when I gave one of their sponsees my honest opinion and it contradicted what they had said. Said sponsee wanted to adopt a rescue dog that she had been working with at the local shelter for months. I said I did not see why getting a dog would cause her to get drunk. Apparently her sponsor and her sponsor's girlfriend thought the only cats can help you stay sober. And despite my best efforts to be cheerful and pleasant neither one of them will talk to me to this day. And it has been months. Could their resentments have lead to them spreading really stupid shit like people's souls aitn't safe? It's possible. One of them screamed at me at a meeting and the other one screamed at the poor woman who wanted a dog. Out of control, totally unacceptable. The sad part is that we were all friends at one time.
Which means that I DO have some insight into how their minds work. And they are devious.

But, all that aside, for the time being I will go to a different meeting. I really don't feel any need to mess with the mind (or soul) of someone who is so obviously afraid and who does not have a higher power they can actually trust as yet.
It rankles though. I kept going to this meeting throughout many bits and bobs of chaos with the bullheaded idea that no one was going to push me out of a meeting. Well, I still feel that way but if spiritually weak newcomers are going to be impacted, this changes the situation considerably. If I had no options as to other meetings I would confront the whole group. In a group, or bring it up as a topic or go to the group officers and ask for a group conscience to try to work it out. But, even though many of the people in this group are friends of mine, I don't think that would get me too far at present. They are having problems functioning as a group anyway. And obviously they are having trouble with Traditions 1 and 5.
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity.
5. Each group has but one primary purpose--to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
It would get too convoluted for me to go into all their problems but when confronted with many people leaving that group and getting new home groups because of how they have been treated or because of behaviours they have witnessed in this group (me among them) the group GSR made some flip comment and refused to see the problem as important.
I got waaay off track but ya can see why I am not so stunned that meanness and intolerance came out of this meeting as I am that it happened at all.

I don't know what, if anything, I will do about this. For now I am breathing and sitting with it. Oh, and praying for the poor sod whose god can't protect him.

Getting up to speed

2008-06-21T21:52:00.002-04:00

So, here's what's been happening lately:

I have flowers on my zuchinni, my raspberries are ripening, and my lettuce is already being harvested. Yum!
I also have lots of spiders in my oganic garden. Our garden has been organic for 30-40 years so we have lots of bugs and widelife. I think they say, *Go over to the Douty's yard. It's full of food and ya won't get sick if ya eat it.* So they all come. We have bugs, butterflies, birds (including an owl), rabbits, deer, and we live in the city. And they yard isn't big.

I'm having an *abnormal* period again. According to my doctor two does not make *an event*. I still think she just doesn't want to say I'm heading for menopause cause she thinks I'm too young. she should have seen my surprise when this all started at nine! I thought I was too young then! Let me just say that I barely cope with one period in the regular time frame. Two is more than I need, thank you very much. Let's just get on with this. Plus the regular ones have been getting weird. Which is weird for me.

I've made friends with the witches from Grove of Gaia. Not Reclaiming but very nice, sane people which here in Pittsburgh means a great deal. I just found out one of them lives a block away from me. Nice!

I went to their Summer Solstice ritual. This is nice cause I just have to show up. I don't have to lug stuff around. I don't have to plan it. I just get to be there.

Our ritual is next weekend cause some key people are away this weekend. But at least we got some magic in on the actual day. And with great people too.

Tomorrow is the Pride parade and the big event with booths and all. There have been events all over the city all week. Mostly at bars and such so I've not gone to them. I'll be at the parade tomorrow. Yep.

growing stuff

2008-06-04T19:16:00.003-04:00

I am getting used to the food allergies. The relief I feel physically far out weighs any desire to eat the offending foods. The only problem lies in the derivatives of milk which is SO pervasive. It is in so much. Foods I would not have expected to contain any trace of milk or milk product do indeed.

I am enjoying my garden this year. I am looking forward to peas, beans, potatos, zucchini, tomatoes, several kinds of lettuce (some of which will be ready very soon, raspberries and dandelion. I am so pleased that this land has been organic for some forty years.
I am not too pleased with myself for having planted bamboo. At the time I really didn't know it was invasive and I actually thought it would die the first winter. It did not. It thrives. It is pushing out my lillies of the valley. So, I pull and dig and pull and cut. I hope to, at least, give the lillies of the valley a fighting chance. They've been there for a hundred years.

The garden has tied in nicely with my work with water. Chop wood, carry water. I am not useing a hosepipe to water. I am using a watering can. It's an effort at respect and honoring water and not wasting it. It helps that this is not a desert and we get enough rain.
My painting is very rewarding too, if not for my talent then for the sheer peace it brings.

Off to forage for food. In the kitchen.

food allergies

2008-05-21T19:55:00.002-04:00

I have recently discovered that I have food allergies. Let me just begin by mourning the foods I can no longer eat:
pizza
milk
chocolate
cheese
yoghurt
ice cream
many cookies
butter
caramel
and lots of stuff that one would not even think of like Cliff Bars and all sorts of snacks.
all because it contains milk or a derivative thereof or psyllium.

Now, I'm done mourning. I'm done because I feel so much better now that I'm not ingesting things that make me ill. Not that I don't have the odd moment when I realise that I can't have something. But it is easily over whelmed by how well I feel. Plus, it's a good thing that I've been drinking soymilk for years and I like it. Soy yoghurt is okay too. And soy ice cream is good. The consistnecy of some things is different but, well, like I said, the rewards are overwhelming.

And all this makes sense when I remember that I could not have formula based from cow's milk as a baby. (I was told. I don't actually *remember*.) It would seem that at some point my mother gave me cow's milk and I seemed okay. But I always had a mild reaction. At that point I did not have the words to describe it and later, when I did, the reaction was one that I considered normal. Obviously, not deadly. But the difference in how I feel is absolutely amazing. Amazing.

Pink is Only a Colour

2008-03-23T22:18:00.003-04:00

Pink is Only a Colour

She is blonde
She has blue eyes
She wears pink
She is friendly, open
She is seven
She is hurt
In ways a child should not know
By a trusted friend's grandfather
Grandfathers are always kind, right?
I carry an ache in my hips
It sings sweet songs in the voice of a friend
That turn into screams only the child can hear
Blue and grey and bigger than me
Faded work clothes
The child, caught
Silent with fear
Smash and destroy!
But, no, it has long since rusted away
The woman carries still that ache in her hips
In her heart

The

2008-03-09T15:40:00.000-04:00

where real life happens

2008-03-08T23:49:00.003-05:00

Real Life doesn't always happen in my classroom. There are always *do overs*, mistakes can always be corrected, discipline reigns instead of punishment, kind words are the order of the day, no one is allowed to hurt anyone else's heart or body on purpose or by accident. When this happens we learn about better ways to behave.

This is not Real Life. This is Kindergarten. But my students come from Real Life. Where they can be hurt by those they love and trust. This is what was revealed this week. It hit our classroom hard. It hit me very hard.

You see, one of my students revealed some disturbing events which needed to be childlined because they were abusive. It was her father who played the main role. We did what we were supposed to do and reported it. She is still in my classroom as of Friday. How this will turn out or whether she will remain I do not know. She is one of those children particularly subject to abuse because she has emotional/behavioural issues. This topic is like the chicken and the egg. Does she have issues which caused the abuse or did the abuse cause the issues. From my point it is really moot. She said these disturbing things and we documented and she repeated and we reported. She is not likeable nor easy to deal with but that does not make abuse okay.
That was the world I grew up in...I deserved what I got cause I was difficult.

Then, there was the woman from the program who was calling me. Every night last week. Hanging on to some lifeline and hoping to make the best of a bad situation with her boyfriend. I felt fear and terror myself when I was on the phone with her and her boyfriend was home. So, I told her she could make the right decisions for herself and her kids (2 babies under 2). Well, Thursday she went to a shelter with her kids after calling the police on him.

Both situations are ones that I find difficult to deal with. But, I did my best. I spoke the truth. I never once said it would be okay. I said the right decisions could be made. At school we made the right decisions even though it may mean she leaves our school, it may mean she is taken from her family. She needs a safe, consistent environment to get a grip on her behaviour. I had inklings before. Like, her behaviour at school improved so vastly and she was still having trouble at home. The parents reported huge meltdowns and nasty things said. At school these things were handled in a calm manner and she was told that we do not behave like that. She had time to settle herself down and was then welcomed back into the group with a minimum of fanfare to prevent her feeling emabrrassed. (We had some issues with that early on and found that the less said the better she integrated back into the group.) She was stopped from hurting others and helped to deal with her own feelings inside the guidelines of acceptable classroom behaviour. She does pretty well. She has an aide to help her so her need for individual attention and management does not take away from the educational time of the other students. So, if she was doing well and improving at school, what was contributing to the continued reports of unmanageability at home? Abuse? Sounds like it.

So, that's what's going on. I'm working with the things these two situations bring up for me. That's my job. I have tools and at least I know they are hot buttons for me. That in itself is relatively new.

gentler work

2008-03-02T21:26:00.002-05:00

I've been on a kick lately. Pointing out how folks are still staying sober and sane in A.A. without being *verbally abused* by their sponsors or other long timers. This stuff comes from the tough love era (and before in A.A.). But those of us who were subjected to it are being shown that it isn't the only way...if we are openminded enough to hear it. This I find pleasing. Because I am doing other things in my life in a kinder, gentler way as well. Like magic. Really, there is no need to blow your whole damn self up and scrape yourself back together. Heretofore that was how it was done. By me, by my teachers. The more explosive the better. But that gets wearing. Yes it does. And I am please to tell you all that so far, while being a powerful experience, our Iron Pentacle class is not causeing me to explode or anything. I intend to process this in my new kinder, gentler manner and I must say, it is so much saner. I fought hard for my sanity. No reason to toss it now.

when a week feels like a month

2008-02-28T20:48:00.002-05:00

This has been the week that feels like it has lasted a month. Already. And it's only Thursday. But tomorrow is Friday which is good. Very good. It too will be a long day. Starts a five am and goes on until 9 pm. But, after 12ish it will all be stuff of my own choosing. Well, and errands which I find annoying but must be done anyway.

Here's how the week went:
Monday: I had a workshop after work and my phone died. Really died. It was limping along for a while.
Tuesday: long day. work, home group, cold weather, snow, couldn't get the church door open.
Wednesday: just a long day
Thursday: another long day. parent late on top of 9 1/2 hour day.
Early bed.
Tomorrow I speak at an A.A. meeting. I get to tell my story. Here in Pittsburgh, that means I am the only one who gets to speak. Nice and relaxing for the rest of the folks.

However I am really quite joyful about the whole *Marjie doesn't do other people's displays of viloence/anger dicovery.
It keeps coming to me and clarifying new situations in shich this and not something else was the cause of my fear/rage/sick feeling/faintness/breathlessness. Doesn't sound fun but it's nice to know that there is a real cause for how these situations have always made me feel.
It is just possible that now I would be able to actually leave such a situation and not feel so paralyzed. And these did not have to be situations where I felt I was actually in danger.
Learning about all my parts is actually quite rewarding.

things that I've been thinking about

2008-02-23T22:11:00.002-05:00

So, I've been at it again. Thinking, letting things ferment. Since I don't eat or drink fermented food these days, well, something has got to ferment so it has been my thoughts. More specifically, my thoughts on the first Iron Pentacle and the *things I learned that weekend*.
And yes, it would seem to be a weighty and important subject to me, having now three, yes three blogs related to it.
And so, what did I learn? Well, I learned that other people's anger creates a PTS situation for me. I love my Dad. I do. But I am not blind to his faults either. He had an explosive temper during my childhood, youth, and young adulthood. Even when I was certain I would not be a target of his anger it terrified me. Therefore, put in the situation where everyone else was stalking around acting out their anger...not the best place for me. I really felt like I was going to pass out or be sick. Really. I'm not terribly dramatic like that. I don't feign illness to get attention. I tend to go the other way and pretend to be fine when I am really ill and should go home. I'm just saying. But, I backed out of the exercise and sat with my back to the fireplace (cold and blocked off---but facing NORTH. And no, I was not intentionally aware of that at the moment.) This gave me some sense of safety or security. Whatever. It allowed me to not faint or be sick. And I had some time to collect myself. This made it possible for me to continue to participate in the class.
I was not unaware of how strong my reaction was to these events at the time. But, I've done had some experience with this and I KNEW just by the non reaction of the teacher and co-teacher that for whatever reason, no one was asking me what the hell had happened. So, I was not going to volunteer to bare my soul. People, I *give it away to keep it* every day. It don't mean that you give what you don't have. But surely we all have compassion? Or not. Anyway, I felt little or no compassion there that day. I have actually felt more compassion from strangers. No, I was not crying. Tears are not the only expression of human distress. But we seem to set great store by them. Yep, might as well deal with it now as it seems to be spilling out of the keyboard despite the fact that this was NOT the intended topic of the day. I felt badly used and abandoned by the teacher and co-teacher of the first class. Yes, Reclaiming does indeed tell people to get the proper treatment for what ever the hell ails you and Reclaiming is not it. Which it is not. But my issue is that responsibility goes just a bit further than that. Especially when teachers are being brought in from out of town to teach really powerful stuff to people they do not know working in groups they do not know. It might be better if less experienced *teachers* taught this stuff to people they work with on a regular basis. People with whom they have built a relationship and have a foundation with. See, this, I think, might be more important than making sure teachers are somehow certified. Cause then there might actually be someone left in the group to suggest that the afflicted party, me, might actually need some sort of outside help. Cause once these people were done with us there wasn't any group left to work with and there wasn't anyone left to give me a reality check. Fortunately, for me, I have a rock solid relationship with a Goddess of my Understanding and she has a rock solid relationship with me. I don't always listen the first time, but She is always persistent. So, in the end, I got the help I needed and no harm done, really. Except, now I have a fear of people leaving the group. At least I know what it's about and it's not just some nameless panic. Enough about my abandonment issues.
What I really intended to blog about today was the strength and power I have found in this whole situation. (But if you know me you might know that I do a lot, A LOT of bitching on my way to the positive view. Hence, the previous paragraph. And so, how do I see this as strength and power? Well, how about this, I held this issue for something like four years. In silence. In my heart and head until it became something I could work with. A lot like codependency. Had to hold THAT for a lot longer. And there's power in that too. Hold it I did. I was not unaware of it. No. It was just too painful to deal with before. Too close. Or it had not germinated yet. Or I had not grown enough to deal with it. Or it had not fermented long enough. See, along the way, I found that I could look with fresh and honest eyes and heart at my co dependence, and actually take positive steps to deal with it. It doesn't make it less painful but the actions allow more growth. (Step Seven)
How the hell do people do this stuff without the 12 steps? Beyond me. Cause if you read my previous posts on this subject you will see that the first thing I did was go back to meetings. Yep. The ain't witches but the got a handle on the life/soul changing stuff. They get it. Most of the witches I've worked with here in Pittsburgh don't actually go there. No, they run from there. I can't run from it. To resist is more than futile, it's fatal.
And so I find myself amazed at my own power. Amazed at my own tenacity. I could have left. I could have. I had been told to *take care of my self*. The rest of the group interpreted that as *I can't do this so I will just stop.* I can't stop. I have to break down what is difficult into pieces that I CAN do and just get on with it. In the end the results are powerful and amazing. And my relationship with the Goddess just gets deeper and stronger. Like Who held me up when I had no idea what was going on? Who pointed me in the right direction? Who gave me the strength and stamina to do the little stuff that became the big stuff in the end? Why my Higher Power, of course. We got something going on. Rock on, girls!

things that explode

2008-02-22T22:03:00.002-05:00

I always assumed that if and when my life exploded I would be aware of it exactly at the time that it happened. But, ya know, I am finding that exploding lives are sort of like the eye of a tornado. Yep, all this stuff is spinning around and in the middle is me and I'm just doing the stuff I do, like breathing and working and I wonder why it is so hard to do the daily stuff but I never see the storm until it is over. I suspect that this is some sort of pain management technique. Somehow, it allows me to continue to live my daily life while processing painful or difficult information in some other part of my brain other than the part that deals with bills and walking the dog and making food. But don't be fooled by the seeming normalcy. In some part of my brain and body things are going on. I know this because time after time difficult things come to me fully formed and ready to be looked at and dealt with. This process is not for the ordinary difficult stuff of life, like people one doesn't want to really spend time with but who seem to want to spend time with me anyway. How do I tell them *no* and not feel like a really snobby heel? Difficult, yes. Needing to be processed in some inaccessible region of the brain, no. No, this process is for the stuff that is too painful to look at right away, all at once. The stuff that has to be chewed on like cud. Sometimes for years. I am never totally unaware that it is there. No, I know about it. I just can't really DO anything with it until is gestates. Like some of the stuff that came up in that Iron Pentacle class a few years back. It just needed time to gestate. And the nice thing is that whereever it goes while it is gestating, the pain of it is reduced to something that I can live with. But I do have a REALLY high tolerance for pain. Now I get to take it all out and look at it. I think I can process it now. I can acknowledge th pain without a panic attack. Unlike the first time.
This, I believe, is Step Seven. It is part of humility A.A. style and being who I am in all my parts. The tricky bit is that we don't know what some of those parts are until we meet them. But part of the process of Step Seven is learning to meet those parts and not panic; but to reach for them knowing that we are not alone. It really is easier to reach for them than to run from them kicking and screaming. They'll make themselves known anyway. Might as well be honest, openminded, and willing.

things that are difficult

2008-02-17T21:56:00.002-05:00

I am revisiting something that I found difficult. If you know me you may not be surprised. I've been doing this for a while now. It all began with Algebra II wherein I took the class again to get a higher grade. I did.

Then it moved on to things like getting sober and the whole world of codependency.
Both difficult. Both needed to be revisited. Although, I might add that the codependency issue needed to be revisited with a rather large lapse of time in between visits.

Now the thing that I am revisiting is the Iron Pentacle. If you don't know what that is you may ask. I will explain. But for now I shall just assume that if you are reading this blog you have some idea.

My first go round with the Iron Pentacle was difficult. Difficult, dramatic, and probably dangerous. But, I am one of those people who jump first and look for my wings while already airborne.
Difficult because I was in new territory on a weekend workshop. With strangers and pretty new circle mates. Why did we do it, you ask? Well, it was how we were lead to understand that one builds *community*. And we all sorta knew what the deal was. We weren't new but we were new to each other. This just ain't work to do with strangers. Really. I gotta be honest and say I was kinda blown away by the work. I liked it. Don't get me wrong. We'd done 2 Elements classes together and a Ritual Artistry class by this point. But this was different. This was more personal. And although we had been working together for a time there weren't any real connections built. This made the work more difficult for me. See, I've been doing work that, I think, parallels the work of the Pentacles for years. It's called The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you think I'm kidding, you try it. Really, honestly, seriously, like your life depends on it, try it. All 12 Steps. You'll see. It is difficult and life changing/soul changing stuff. But it is done on the basis of folks having built some kind of relationship within which this really hard work can be done. And we did not have the framework for such work. We just didn't know that. I don't know how the work affected the other members of the class cause we sorta fell apart after that. And there you have it!
Dangerous? Well, that was unforseeable before the event. Cause I had no idea that little ole me who had been diligently working on herself all those years had some issues I was not even aware of. Until that weekend. But, dangerous? Well, yes. In retrospect I must give immense credit to the Goddess Who has carried me through many difficult and dangerous experiences these many years and She carried me through that weekend and the shattering aftemath. Cause it was a weekend workshop, remember? And the woman who taught it went home to another state on Sunday. Right? Right! And there's me left with all this crap and no one I felt would either understand or care. So, that left me with my truly awesome Higher Power to get me sorted out.
But, come now. Dangerous? Everyone has issues, right? How dangerous could it have been? Well, here's how: I had been sober for some time (over 10 years) but I had not been to meetings and had not kept up contact with anyone. (Another long story--another time perhaps.) So, I was kinda out there alone...except for my awesome Higher Power. I knew I was not in that alone and I knew I could count on Her but it was a dangerous place for any alcoholic. I made it. Yes, indeed. But it was a gift really.
Dramatic? Well, yep. Not only was there lots of acting out of the points and the matching points on the rust and gilded pentacles but the effects of the class where dramatic in my life. Let's just say that I musta found what I really wanted cause even after all that I'm still here!
I forgot isolating. Doing this work among a group with tenuous attachments was very isolating for me. Let's just put it this way: Not too long after this workshop I found my little way back to meetings and back to people who spoke my language and understood that this work requires CONNECTION...it is not an option.
So, after all that, I am going to try it again. NOT a weekend workshop. NOT a group without connections. NOT a teacher who lives in another state. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, and if it should go badly, I've been back to meetings for years and I have good connections there too and they all know I'm a witch. So, even if they don't actually understand, they'll listen.
Let's pray for gentle changes and understanding, shall we?

showing up

2008-02-08T22:37:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about my evening tonight. It was fun. I went out for Thai food with friends after the meeting. This is the direct result of mostly just showing up. every week same bat time same bat meeting. Sounds easy doesn't it? Well, yes and no. See, that kind of showing up means showing up even when I don't want to. Showing up when I'm sure everyone there thinks I'm an idiot. Showing up when I could not stop crying. Showing up when I was really glad to be there. Helping set up, helping wash dishes, helping put stuff away. Meeting people's eyes, talking to them, remembering to ask how THEY are, yeah, some of that is difficult. The thing is that after a while it begins to pay off. People get comfortable and begin to feel safe when ya keep showing up. They do crazy things like give you a key to a big East End church (two big East End churches, actually). I've been going to this same meeting for a year. I was asked to be the secretary (a far cry from when my sponsor just announced to me that I would be the secretary some 17-17 1/2 years ago in a meeting that no longer exisits). I was taken out to dinner to celebrate my anniversary last Friday. Which was very cool because it was on the day and all. And quite unexpected. We did the same for another woman who has 17 years tonight. (her anniversary was actually Tuesday). See, all along what I've wanted was attention. But it has taken me a long time to figure out what kind of attention I REALLY wanted. Now, I am pretty sure that I want positive attention and from people with whom I've built some kind of relationship. But, since I've never actually done this before I had no idea that the middle bit of the journey could actually be harder than the beginning. See, the beginning is hard because everything and everyone is new. I don't really do well in those situations. Being in a new situation can be so overwhelming that I sort of shut out a lot. Like I'm overstimulated and I can't take it all in. Keeps me safe. Apparently enough gets in for me to be able to decide whether I want to go there or do that again. It's better than it used to be but still uncomfortable and overwhelming. Then, comes the middle part where I've been there and done that before. I'm getting comfortable and able to take in more of who is there and what is going on around me. Then if I really like it and want to be a part of what is going on it becomes painful because I am still not really there yet. I just want to be. I know names and faces but not the real dynamics yet. Not a part of anything just a regular bystander. What has happened now is that I am clearly past the point where I am a bystander. (I get to call group conscience meetings.) I am a part of something that I wanted to be a part of. I'm glad that in the middle, horrible, lonely bit I did not go with the idea that I should just stop torturing myself and go back and play with the familiar but unhealthy folks I had been playing with.
Clearly, any one who would be my instant friend should be a BIG RED FLAG!!

Brigid Poetry

2008-01-30T21:58:00.000-05:00

There's two. The first one is not mine. I do not know whose it is.

Ring the bells that still may ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in

This one is mine:

I
I tried
I grew on the inside
Maybe you can't see it
Maybe you can
I was there
There for the new experiences
I was there for the successes
I was there for the failures
Old relationships fell away
New ones formed
No strings
Solid
Slow
I was awake for my life
It happens anyway
Awake, asleep, life
Awake, my growth is my dream
My life, my dream

This year

2008-01-29T22:13:00.000-05:00

This has been quite a year. Yeah, I know. Most people don't measure their year from February to February, but I do. It is my sobriety anniversary. It is useful to me to take stock at this time. And it feels right.
I thought I did a lot of standing still this year. But as I take stock this is SO not the case. I've done a lot a work this year. It's been quite a year. What I thought I was going to be doing was a lot of external work, external changes. But no, this was not to be. I did A LOT of internal work, *deep work* as they say. It was difficult. Indeed it was. But it was clearly what I needed to be doing. I did not post about all of it but I did post some. This was the year for working with my codependence and really being able to work with it. It's not like I didn't know it needed done before, but I could never actually do the work and not get bogged down in it or by it. Actual learning has taken place. I know this because teaching is what I do so I know learning when I see it. Behaviour changed. So, learning has taken place. I can see the changes in my own behaviour and I see the changes in the behaviour I get from others. And my expectations and what is okay has changed. If one is not a child. I can also verbalise what it is that is okay and what it is that is not okay and why. These are all good things to have been working on.

I also have been spending the past year creating a new A.A. community. The old one was broken and I tried to fix it and it wouldn't fix so while I still go to the old meetings I have a new community and it is healthier than the old one. I have not severed ties with the old one. I still frequent the most problematic meeting as my first sponsor is there and I go to another meeting with all the old problem people in it because there are many people there who are not problematic and whom I love. But should their problematic behaviour spread to effect the groups I have a supportive community which is not part of the problem. This has been good for me although it was hard and lonely. I also have had two sponsors in the past year. This after having the same sponsor for 15-16 years. This too was difficult but it has been most helpful.

I got a therapist this year. I'm on my second one now because the first one left. Nothing personal he just left. This is something I needed to do for a long time. But I was sure that if I sought professional help I would end up on a locked ward somewhere. I'm still free.

So, while this year has been tough it has also not been what I thought it would be and it has been a bountiful year in the self-growth arena.

the state of me

2007-11-28T21:35:00.000-05:00

I've been learning some interesting things lately. About me, about what I will accept or not from others. And these things have been changing in the last few years. Some of the things I learned seem significant. At least to me.
I have learned over the last few years that if one allows someone to say or act in a way that demeans who I am then my deep self is reinforced in her belief that I am not good enough or not okay. It is only in the past year that I have become a little better at hearing or seeing the words or actions that are demeaning. So when I defended my beliefs recently it sent the message to my deep self that I am worth defending. Previously I would have told myself that I was just being too sensitive and I should just get over it. Well, I want to say that standing up for one's self or one's beliefs or for the truth is the far better choice. I never got much for the approach in the way of rewards except maybe resentments, which aren't really very rewarding.
This new (and scary) approach brought rewards I was quite unprepared for. It was like my deep self gave me rewards that can only come from that place...a sense of peace that is bone deep (even though I would have had everyone *play nice* and that didn't happen the peace is stunning), and a renewed understanding of just how the truth will set me free. It's not that things worked out as I would have liked. No. Things just worked out and I knew there were issues at stake that are REALLY important to me, so, I took the whole thing to my Higher Power and let her have it. And being really unsure of exactly the right approach I let things play out dealing with each incident as it came up. And then dealing with the ensuing final explosion, well, big pop, anyway when it happened. In truth and honesty if not with flair. And it worked out well. For me and at least one other person. The rest of the characters in this drama will have to continue on to resolution. But I have found resolution for this situation and a practice that brings such peace I do not understand why everyone doesn't do it.

Cause, see, when things come unraveled, as things are wont to do, if one has been truthful and does not have any secrets to guard then one does not care who know what and all. It is freeing to know that I ain't said nothin' what wasn't true and I don't care who knows the truth. Since it is the truth, I'll stand up for it.

And the whole business about defending my Self. That's tricky for me cause it's a new practice. But, i found myself defending my body size, food choices, and social choices. That's not okay. My body size is the right size, my food and social choices are my own to make. And then there was the situation that seemed to be being set up wherein I was supposed to seduce someone who I felt was too fragile for such games (and then, I would be blamed when it went badly). I choose to be respectful and so did she. Cause I think it would have been possibly worse for me than for her. Cause it would have gone against an ethic I think is valid and good.
So, my Self is pleased with me. And this is a unique situation for me. All my parts are happy with each other. Deep Self and Talking Self have been communicating with each other a lot lately and this is a good state of affairs.

I liked this

2007-11-24T22:39:00.000-05:00

I heard this last night and I liked it enough to want to share it. I've no idea who wrote it.

*Ring the bells that still will ring,
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in.*

news

2007-10-04T17:36:00.000-04:00

My Dad had his surgery and it went very well. They had to remove part of his bladder to get it all but that means he does not need chemo or radiation. He is a little more depressed than he was prior to surgery. Before the surgery he seemed to be under the impression that he did not have cancer and we did not disillusion him thinking it might help his state of mind. It did. My family has always done denial pretty well. Now he is a little more deflated but the worst is over.

In dog news, Daisy is taking *Super Puppy* class. I am as well. She can't really be trusted with the car yet. We are planning to explore *Therapy Dog Training* after Super Puppy. She responds so well to having a job. And as a trusted friend said, *She's done quite well considering her babysitters are drunks.* Which is true. But, training classes will has to suffice until an Aladog meeting can be established in Pittsburgh.

We had 2 cases of chicken pox at school this week. The first I've heard of in 10 years. We were told there were 2 others and then we were told those were not chiken pox. Confusing but good. Unfortunately we already sent the paperwork to the department of health.

2007-08-28T22:59:00.000-04:00

My Dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer this morning.
He called me at work. This alone is an indication of how he was feeling. He NEVER calls me at work.
I seem to be having a lot of friends/family getting cancer lately. It's quite scary and painful. I lost a lover to brain cancer. I know intimately what this can look like. I also know that people do survive cancer. This, in the midst of some difficult work on powerlessness. I really don't think I'm so hard headed as to need this kind of object lesson. Is that just too self-centered to think someone else's illness is some kind of lesson(punishment) to me? PRobably. I'll get over myself. And figure out how to be useful to Dad as well. I just needed to put that down.

kids?!

2007-08-22T21:19:00.000-04:00

Kids! I like kids. Which is a good thing cause that's how I spend my days.
Here's a snippet:
We were getting ready to go outside and sweat since it's really humid here. We were sitting on the carpet and waiting for everyone to finish snack. So we were doing some yoga inspired by a two year olds quite natural *happy baby* pose. It was perfect. We all tried it and moved on to a few more poses and then one of the kids said we should chant *Ohm*. So we did. And as we finished I said, in a most hushed and *this is sacred* voice, "Hear the vibrations of the sound of the Universe." And one of my six year olds made a farting sound with his mouth! We all just cracked up laughing. It was really funny. Ya might a had ta be there but we all got a big laugh.

moving through

2007-07-24T22:02:00.000-04:00

I think I am starting to accept a thing I can not change.... I can not change the fact that I have a photosensitve condition that makes it necessary to limit my exposure to the sun. I could dye my hair black and let my skin get so pale it is luminous. Well, the pale part will happen any way. The black hair is unlikely. But, i am moving into a place where it is okay to do what I need to do to take care of me no matter what it looks like to others. People DO consider it strange when one wears long sleeves in the summer. Oh well. It's either that or stay indoors and that is as unlikely as black hair. I have a nine months old puppy who needs LOTS of exercise. And so the long sleeves will stay and the puppy will get out. And I will get out. I too require time out of doors. And I will get used to hats. I will. But, I think I need a new hairstyle to accomodate the hats. This one isn't working too well. Must think on that.

pseudoporphyria

2007-07-11T22:02:00.000-04:00

It sounds like a joke or something, but I assure you it is not. G'head. Google it. I was diagnosed a few years ago. One of 100 documented cases. That's me. it is a *bulbous photosensitivity* cahracterized by blisters on the hands (can be on the feet too). Caused by nsaid use and sun exposure. At the initial outbreak I was taking Aleve at the beach. I have not aken anything but tylenol since then, but I bought extended release tylenol which must have been a mistake. Plus, my zyrtec is suspected of being problematic but I have to take that. And it isn't an nsaid. Be that as it may, I got a blister while at the pool with the summer camp kids yesterday. Sunscreen is not enough apparently. Tomorrow I'll be stylin' in my long-sleeved t-shirt, hat, and sarong. I'll have the regulation swinsuit underneath (cause they won't let you in the pool without one) Whether I'll be able to get wet in my get up or not remains to be seen. There are always the showers. ause it's hot here in Pittsburgh. Well, we did have a cool front move through today, but with all those clothes on I don't think it will matter.
After looking at some pictures online of pseudoporphyria which looks worse than mine, I think I'll just go for the over dressed look tomorrow. And shade!

patience

2007-06-28T20:45:00.000-04:00

My Grandmother always said that *patience is a virtue*. I got that a lot, because I was not very patient. I'm still not. I just manage to look like I am more patient. I want things, me, to change NOW even though I don't even know what those changes might look like. Well, I have some shadowy images but nothing I can really sink my teeth into. Nevertheless, I want to sink my teeth into something. Nothing seems to have much substance as yet. Therapy is okay. Got one thing to look at but no clue what to do with it. Alanon is an okay organization but I can't seem to find the *meat* in that either. Oh, yeah, I'm vegetarian. Well, can't find the tofu. Not even some beans. Well, maybe a bean or two. I got one assignment from my alanon sponsor. She hasn't read it yet. Frustrated! My A.A. sponsor would have been all over that in a few days. It's been weeks! Into action here! Come on! I need some direction. Yes, I know where to go for that too. But, it seems to be a waiting time for me or something. I HATE waiting. I want to DO something. So, I type. I write. I get little teeny, tiny bits of clue. But they only add to the puzzle. ERRR! No, I am not very patient.

I do have some fun with the dogs. Seuss' diet is now my job. No one else could stick to the feeding plan. He is pathetic, yes he is. He sits by his bowl and waits hours before mealtime. But he needs to lose some weight. I plan to take him to the Humane Society and use their floor scale this weekend. I hope he has dropped at least a pound or two.
Daisy is not on a diet. She actually gets a cup more food than Seuss.

We went to UPMC Healthworks on a fieldtrip today. We walked miles to get there and miles to get back and played and rock climbed and all sorts of stuff in the middle. It was fun but tiring. Some of the kids are only 5. They complained less than the older kids about the walk. It was a long day but we had fun.

I have been warned

2007-06-25T21:18:00.000-04:00

Without TMI I am having waves of grief. There was an abusive incident when I was a child. I never told anyone. I was too scared. Someone else told and everyone seemed so angry. I wasn't telling. No way! And over the years I managed to convince myself that it wasn't important. But it is. And it colours who I am today. And the thing that I just figured out is that when these waves of grief hit me I don't see the root cause immediately. What I immediately see are nonexsistent abandoment issues with people in my present. It takes me a while to pull away from that and see what is really going on. It's hard. Cause my life doesn't really set aside a lot of time for tearful moments when I can't explain the cause. It's not like I smashed my finger with a hammer. That usually gets cursing. Not tears. People want to be able to have something to focus on and an event from 36 years ago doesn't merit much attention. So, I muddle through. I need to ask my therapist if there is some trick to this that I'm missing. Cause this sucks. I have a lump in my throat that won't go away, tears that are so close to the surface that ANYTHING can set them off, and I can't sleep. Yep. Sucks.

dog days

2007-06-17T22:03:00.000-04:00

I had this idyllic vision of taking the dogs to Riverfront Park. As the name suggests the dogs have access to the river and as long as they don't snack on fisherman we'd be fine. Well, I put them both in the backseat and set off. Daisy has never ridden in the back seat and when I open the door to let them out I discovered that she had quietly been sick all over the backseat. So, that was why Seuss moved into the front seat during the journey (of 10 minutes). Ooohhh! So, I get over my shock, tie the dogs to a tree and clean up the backseat. The car still smells like used dog food but at least dog sick doesn't stink like human sick. So, then we ramble and splash and the very excited dogs run in the river, well Seuss waddles out and lays down in the water. It's the only thing TO do when you are built to stay comfortable on the top of Mt. Fuji in a blizzard. In said place Seuss would sit in the snow until he was a dog-shaped pile of snow with only his panting tongue hanging out. Daisy splashed in the river just like a baby in a bathtub. Too cute. Then I leash up sopping dogs and we set off for a walk. We come upon Animal Control cruising through the park. In all the years I've been going there I have NEVER seen Animal Control there. Then I remembered the guy who drowned a few weeks ago trying to save his dog from drowning. The dog made it to shore. His children watched him drown. Horrible. Then we had a picnic. Yes, I packed food and water for all of us. Course, Just like kids, the dogs spilled their drinks. Then we walked somemore...to try to dry off a bit. And we went home. I made it absolutely clear that there was to be NO getting sick in the car. Let me know and I'll pull over. Daisy was fine. We had fun despite the obstacles.

unbridled excitement

2007-06-17T09:28:00.000-04:00

I've been waiting, holding space, for so long. I don't feel like I'm doing that any more. We are coming together. We have in our little community 3 witches of varying experience but experience nonetheless and 3 witches fresh from their books. It makes for interesting conversation. And we are doing well. This is good. We had a new moon ritual last night. Just three of us. (2 experienced witches and one new one). One witch was at witchcamp (Not me. Sob!), one was at a local amusement park at the *Pagan Day Out at Kennywood*, and one could not make childcare arrangements.
We did good. We set time limits on the things that get us in *trouble*, like talking. So we decided we would set and hour for chatting, then plan, then DO. And we did. It was lovely. We talked about everything from what happens when you set boundaries with boundary-less people (they get really pissed off), to what our concepts of diety are, how they have changed, and how we work with them. Plus, our jobs, our dreams, the gamut. Then we planned a simple ritual in which we wrote letters to ourselves that we hope to be in six months. A spell.
We had to explain about the phases of the moon to our new witch. I did say she was new. We didn't cover that in the teaching rituals.

Later, I opened a spell bag from an Iron Pentacle class from years ago. Very cool. Interestingly enough my allies and challenges haven't really changed. But I've learned a lot about them in the time since then. It was a lovely connection between old community and new.

See, our community has fallen apart a few times and become something different each time. But it was never stable since the first group fell apart. I think we are stable now. And we have in our midst some of those people with whom I had to set boundaries that they did not understand. They have come to understand a little better in the intervening time. I have had to repeat a few boundaries. But they are kept mostly. And sometimes just a look will suffice to be a reminder and I get an *opps, sorry.* So, live and learn. That's sorta the point isn't it?

MidSummer

2007-06-11T10:59:00.000-04:00

Did someone say Mid Summer? Yikes! Things are blooming and dying at an alarming rate. And some things are being sat with. They'll bloom eventually. They are in bud.
I spoke at a meeting on Friday. Here in Pittsburgh we call that *leading*. I understand that in other places it is called *qualifying*. Ya tell *what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now*. So I did. I haven't done that in maybe 9 years. That would be due to having that little spat with my sponsor wherein she told me I just needed to *get a man* and all. Yeah, well, that lead to a huge resentment not only towards her but towards the rest of the peopel in the program. It took me a few years (like 8) to figure out that it's not everyone. And, well, ya kinda havta be at meetings to get asked to speak. And I wasn't so I didn't.
I was not nervous. Not a bit. It's sorta like speaking in trance though cause the deal is that one is supposed to turn it over to one's Higher Power and let them use you as a mouthpiece. Some form of aspecting for certain. I never remember what I said.
A dear friend made me a Goddess pendant to wear and she put it on just before I spoke. It is lovely. An amythyst Goddess with 12 sets of 8 beads. Because...I was born in December and my life card/number is 8. Awesome.
By the time I got to the meeting she had already had a run in with my sponsor over taping my talk for the A.A. archives. He said he was sorry she was my friend. I said I was not. I like her. And so it goes. *Principles before personalities*.

Denial

2007-06-06T21:35:00.000-04:00

Yes, I was in denial. I was in denial about having impetigo. Oh, please don't say it phonetically. It is a form of strep and is usually associated with children. I had it as a child. It looks like bad acne but can be anywhere on one's body. We had two other cases at work and three cases of strep throat. Well, I suspected I MIGHT have impetigo as I had one blister on my forehead. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm not self-absorbed or anything. Well, it turns out that might be a good thing sometimes. Cause I DID have it. Here's where the denial comes in. See, as a kid all I remember is my parents being very embarrassed the we had impetigo (we got it from our sandbox - which was gone the next day) and them breaking and putting ointment on the blisters. That was what the doctor told them to do. No one remembers us being given antibiotics. I do not remember being sick, per se. But, perhaps it is different when one is grown up. I had a fever for days, horribly achey joints, I could hardly move. I was restless; exhausted but I could not sleep. And then, AFTER the fever a horrendous headache. Now, I would think again that I am just self-absorbed except that I confered with the other teacher who had this and she had the same symptoms. She attributed the headache, which does not go away to her body reacting to the antibiotics. And lastly, a thorough and numbing exhaustion. And the feeling of being wrapped in cotton wool - a soft but solid barrier between me and the world.
My poor dog was very sweet when I had a fever. She laid by me and was quiet and patient. I felt bad that she didn't get walked so, since I could not sleep anyway, I would walk her. And then feel like I had been hit by a truck. This went on for five days. Poor thing. I am feeling better and getting better at beign sick. Yeah, ya would think that someone so self-absorbed would be good at being sick. Bt, no. I HATE to be sick. Plus, throw in restless and it's not pretty. Getting back on track now though. Losts of rest, good food, MODERATE exercise. Moderation?? what is that? My body is teaching me.
Slowly, I am coming back. I feel better. I don't feel wrapped in cotton wool. I am still easily tired but going slow helps.

not broken

2007-05-28T21:42:00.000-04:00

I have to tell myself I am NOT broken. I AM NOT broken. A little cracked maybe. But still whole. If I were not whole I do not think I would be able to get out of bed in the morning sometimes.

I've been working quite hard on the parts of me that don't fit anymore. We all have them. Bits of us, or behaviours that once served a good purpose and now are not working so well. And, see, I did not think that in the process of this I would discover just how important some things are that I have spent decades telling myself are insignificant. It would seem that the things I least want to look at are the things I MUST look at. Isn't that always the way? Huh. I don't even know what to DO with these things if DO is the appropriate verb. It would seem like there must be a verb. Turn it over comes to mind. I have, I do. Cause that doesn't seem to be a one time act. New insights keep coming and I think, *Well, I turned that over. So, now what?* I think it allows me to live with painful insights, information on a daily basis but it doesn't mean I am not going to have to DO something with it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not sorry I keep getting this information. Sometimes I even ask for it. Reaching for change seems often to mean that I have to look at painful things about myself. There is an alternative. But it is ugly. I prefer the one in which I reach for the change and deal with looking at myself in the most honest fashion I possibly can. Even when the things I have to look at I thought I had buried deep enough or had been over for enough years to be pretty much in the past. I really thought I had cleaned out my past. But I was kidding myself. All along. Cause I knew there was just that one thing. I was just hoping it could stay in the past. Problem is everywhere ya go, there ya are. And it was still changing my present. In ways that are not healthy. Keeping me from doing things that I knew I needed to do. Altering my present. And I don't want my present altered by childhood abuse. I want my present to be as healthy as I can make it, allow it, whatever.

So, here's me trying to figure out what the hell I do with all this information, that, techinically, I asked for, but find really hard to work with. I WILL know what to do in the right time.

2007-05-07T19:31:00.000-04:00

On the *gotta do life* side of things I have walked the dog, completed a section of homework and sorted out lunch for tomorrow. The homework thing pleases me most cause I like to put that off. It doesn't get done that way.

On the side of things that I could deal with or not (still gotta live with them but...)
I set my boundaries with the annoying woman at work today. She was indeed angry. We know this is the reaction to boundaries. Which is difficult at our school cause there is nowhere for me to go to let her have her anger and not have it affect me. But i gave her as much physical space as was possible. I was nearly in tears. Why, why is this so hard? And why does she find it necessary to comment on my appearance, health, food, etc.? I don't suppose it matters in the long run. And let's face it, I will have more opportunities to practise setting boundaries.

See, my M.O. is to set my boundaries in neutral territory and then leave before the anger sets in. I do get phone calls and have to field the anger then, but, it's on the phone and there is that whole hanging up thing. And most of the people i have needed to set boundaries with have been people I really cared about having a future relationship with if they cared to. I don't really care about this woman outside of the fact that we are colleagues. So, this is virgin territory for me. I guess, in the past, I would have just put up with her and decided it didn't matter. But, it does. So, new ways of behaving must be learned.

I think I've said it before: I'm on a learning curve this year.

2007-04-30T20:20:00.000-04:00

So there is this woman at work who has been making nasty, snarky comments about a variety of things I do...such as the food I eat and where I buy it. Whole foods, it's often organic, the colours are not always blue or pink. Sometimes they are rather none descript. She has said that people who eat foods with additives are healthier than people who eat organic food. Vegetarians are unhealthy. That pretty much means me cause I'm the only one. Each comment, taken alone, would be something to ignore. But they have piled up over the last few months and become unbearable. SHE took a little hissy fit on Friday and made a few more pointed comments and then huffily left. Making it look as if I had done something to make her angry. It turns out she is upset because her husband is being transfered again. Okay. Be upset. Don't drag me into your little drama with all your transferance crap. K?
Everyone was left on Friday not knowing if she was coming in to work this morning or not...which would mean there would be no preschool teacher today or tomorrow at Mother's Tea. Which is a VERY BIG DEAL indeed! Mother's Tea, that is. The children have been rehearsing their performance for months.
Well, she showed up and told our director that her husband was being transfered and she did not want to talk about what she was doing to me. Our director left it there. I did want to talk and I told her what has been going on.
Now, this woman is not talking to me or even looking at me. So be it. I have done nothing wrong and I am not going to pretend I have and give her some kind of apology. If I thought I owed her one I damn sure would but as the abused party I don't think that would be very healthy and health is where we are heading. *Strive for emotional balance.*
So, am angry that everyone is working at denial in action but I suppose the day before Mother's Tea is not the best time to insist that a very nervous and emotional person take actions they don't really want to take. We'll see how things go after that and if the silent treatment continues it will ahve to be addressed. But, she is leaving eventually. It probably isn't really soon though. Last time it was a few months if I remember.
She has also pulled this not talking to people thing before with a couple of her aids and she was told then that she couldn't do that. But, fortunately, I do not have to spend all day with her. Just a few hours here and there. Still...this must be resolved in some way.

Insight?

2007-04-29T00:41:00.000-04:00

So, I have neurotic guilt, and am character disordered. This said by a very (no, really) kind friend. Apparently, these are the nature of things that are under my control in the on going saga of Karen and the abusive comments I've been getting at work. And my attempts at indifference probably made the whole situation worse...for me cause I didn't deal with any of it til I was pushed to the wall so to speak and her behaviour because I suspect that it escalated when I did not respond but was indifferent. read: I did not cry at work, I did not go to my director and complain...my coworkers did that for me. I did not because I really did not see the picture as a whole until yesterday. Before that it was a bit like looking at an impressionist painting too close. Colour but no form.
So now I have some work to do on personality traits and emotional balance.
Off I go!

Bad Day

2007-04-27T21:55:00.000-04:00

I had a really fucking bad day. I can't stop crying even though I think my eyeballs will likely explode soon. This woman at work has been making snarky comments for some time. I have NOT been making snarky comments back because I do not engage in childish, backhanded anger. If I have something to say, I say it. I don't have any need to couch it as teasing or telling you about your behaviour as if you were one of our students. But, it all came to a head today. I've been through the story so many times I don't event think I can do it again.
Although, what the fuck? My therapist made the comment, *Look what you're doing to yourself.* What? I'm in pain and I'm crying! So, fucking, what!? Actually, if you're me, that's sorta new. It sucks that I can't stop but.... My eyes just palin hurt, man. But, at least I've got feelings. And names for most of them. I had done to me what I don't allow in my classroom. This is the kind of backhanded shit my mother used to pull when we were kids. Which could be why I am so effected by it. But, it doesn't matter why. it just is. And she won't talk so nothing can be worked out. How childish.

2007-04-22T21:26:00.000-04:00

This weekend was lovely weather wise. I have the sunburn to prove that I was out most of it and that I am just stupid. I KNOW the Spring sun is stronger than the Summer sun! It's not a bad one. I just didn't realise I was out that long. It was so beautiful out. I took Daisy to Riverfront Park on the Southside and to Sheraden Park twice. She was terrified by the geese at Riverfront Park. I got a cute picture of her looking absolutely confused by them. They didn't chase her or anything. It was just the honking. She's a big baby. And six months old today!

The bad news is that the doctor has given my mom's partner 2 weeks to six months to live. He is in hospital and may not come out. I'm catching a little fucked up slack about that since I was the one to nag, I mean, mention that he didn't look good and that he had a horrible cough. I thought he was in congestive heart failure and he is. He also has a leaky valve in his heart. I KNOW it's not my fault that he is so sick. Unfortunately, I am being treated as if it were. That's how this family works.

2007-04-14T21:20:00.000-04:00

So, it would seem that we already have one person who has pulled out of the class. Seems he thinks that Reclaiming (or P.) is Dianic and that's not going to work for him. I'm not in tears really. I think he came to the class just to see what we were up to. He must like Rook's form of Reclaiming better. Not, not, not, that I don't love Rook. This guy just feels more comfortable with Rook than with us. Which makes sense because we are the scary lesbians. Well, some of us, anyway. Not all.

I also think that even though the first class was pretty simple and elementary really, it gave a taste of things to come. Can be scary. We have overwhelmed people before. I would have not thought this would be the class to do that, but, then, that's me. Not what he wants apparently. Which is fine. I was rather surprised he wanted to come in the first place.

Then, there is the issue where he rode the 2 C's to the class. If he doesn't come they will have to take the bus. This involves a transfer. Which will probably be too much effort. But, maybe not. If it is, you may rest assured that they will not say that travel is why they can't come but will come up with some drama or the other to satisfy themselves that they are not giving up.

We'll see what happens.

learning curve

2007-04-13T22:17:00.000-04:00

I seem to be on a learning curve lately.
See, the last few posts have been part of a process (a messy one) in which I try to figure out what the hell happened and what I do now and how do I work it out so I can live with it. Cause in any number of previous posts I've mentioned that I don't drink, use drugs or alter my conscious reality in any fashion involving chemicals. Or in any fashion not conducive to ACTUAL REALITY. So, what I do and who I do it with has to actually work and not be harmful to my physical, emotional, or spiritual life. Cause it's all real.

So, enough with the evasive language. I have been trying to work out how to function in a group that two former covenmates wanted to be a part of. Let us just say that they are not the heatlthiest pair and one is not getting any help as yet for her lack of mental health. It was not a very healthy realtionship before and I have carried the resentmnents born of that until,well, two days ago.

I have been talking, writing, typing, praying (what else does one call it when one communes with the Divine), and meditating on this for over a week. The process felt messy and it WAS consuming. But, I did not feel that I was letting them *rent space in my head* as some friends made comment. I've been there. This was not the same place. This was a place where I was indeed looking at what had happened. But I was not playing it over and over to punish myself or look for ways to be vengeful. I saw them. Indeed. That would be the place where I build walls instead of boundaries. No, I found a place of boundaries and forgiveness. Yes, they did things I cannot countenance. I do not and will not permit or participate in their sick behaviour. But, two days ago, something just slipped away and I realised that I AM able to allow them into my home to participate in workshops as long as they behave. Forgiving them is not about letting them repeat their behaviour and saying it's okay. It's about holding boundaries and not resentments. If they can behave then they can come and maybe, just maybe they will learn to set boundaries of their own.

So, that was very interesting. It has been a long time since I have had to work that hard on resentments, forgiveness, boundaries. Cause my first reaction was to take refuge from the pain that they caused in the past behind a wall of defense. Like battlements for boiling oil and places for the archers. But that won't allow growth in me so, that wouldn't be very helpful.

not so easy

2007-04-08T22:20:00.000-04:00

It is not so easy to *work the steps* as my last post might lead one to believe. But, it helps me get my thoughts in some kind of order. So, let me look at what my personality flaws might be that would hinder this issue.
I am belligerent, superior, and defiant. Which leads me into situations where I become confused, bewildered. Lost because I did not listen to or for the will of my Higher Power or to the well meant advice of friends. These are what lead me into a situation wherein I put myself in a position to be hurt.

Be that as it may, now I must find a way to heal the hurt. And not cripple my community in the process.

never done

2007-04-08T15:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I made my decision about C. He can participate in the workshops cause there isn't an alternative (read a different community) that he can be a part of. And for some reason he wants to be a part of this one. So, he may. He may not be a part of my personal life. He is far too toxic. Being around him and socialising with him made me physically ill. But, a series of workshops, well, that's a horse of a different colour. Plus it gives me the opportunity to see how well my boundaries hold up.

And then there is the issue of my resentments towards the other C. Let me see if I can work this out.
1. I am powerless over C. and how she behaves. She made my life unmanageable and I stepped away from her.
2. The Goddess can restore me to sanity and help me hold my boundaries.
3. I will turn my will and my life over to the care of the Goddess. That way I won't have to kill her and go to jail. Plus, it just looks bad.
4. Searching and fearless moral inventory.
a. I tried to *help* C. and became angry when she did not do as I thought she
she should.
b. I was angry because my help was not appreciated. Nor was it asked for.
c. I took it as a personal affront when she did not try to seek effective
help for herself...even though I set it up so that it would be easy.
5. Okay, I was wrong. I am NOT in charge of anyone else's life.
6. Ready
7. Goddess, I'm quite ready to have the controlling, let me be your guide to life shortcommings removed.
8. the list:
Me
C.
9. Okay, this one can't be taken care of here.

This was helpful but it still doesn't really help me to decide what I am going to do if C.f. wants to come to the workshops too. Whereas C.m. was an unhealthy alliance I bare no ill will towards him. C.f is a little more tricky. She lived in my house and messed with the energy, broke Christmas ornaments in the attic, was pretty much hell to live with because she thought the demands being made of her were too much for her. My controlling of the demands was wrong. The demands for her to be responsible for herself and her actions was only what is expected of each of us.

Oh, and there was the nasty little letter which I assume was meant to curse and scare me which ended *So Mote It Be* when she left. I laughed. How dare she practise magic on me! But, the intention and the ill will written out like that was not very nice. Should have left her in the abusive situation she was in and leave her to her own devices.

There well may be more to this one. Oh, yes, not done with this one yet.

decisions

2007-04-02T20:18:00.000-04:00

It would seem I have a decision to make. So what's new?
The *New Thing* that we're doing instead of coffees is teaching rituals. And if no one shows up and it's just us...rituals.

Here's the deal though, there are two people on the edge of our community who may or may not want to participate and since these events will be taking place at my house I have to decide whether or not I want them here. They are a boundariless pair although not a couple. Best Friends. They were both part of my last coven. One of them lived with me for a while. They both have mental illness issues that may be years in the resolution. Especially for one since she is doing nothing about it. How do I explain my revulsion without sounding like one of my students (5 year olds). I don't want this to sound like *you can't come to my party* but I really don't want you at my party. I have spent the past year having my boundaries trampled and the only thing they seem to understand is anger and physical distance. Which we would not have if they came to the rituals. I don't wnat to hug you. I barely want to speak to you. The guy forced people to particiapte at the Lughnasadh ritual which was the last until Ostara in which we were together. I was not only appalled I was furious. I could *see* myself hurting him. Such a level of emotion! I can't even find words to express how I felt. They aren't big enough. And no outlet. I couldn't do what I WANTED to do. My internal boundaries mostly work. But forcing people to do things in ritual that they do not understand and do not want to do is not right. These were people with no experience with ecstatic ritual and no basis for understanding what he was doing. It was not in the *ritual conspiracy* and when they asked him what he was doing he told them not to worry *just go with it*. Riiight! After that I told him I did not want to be in ritual with him. I relented and said he/they were welcome at the public ritual. But this is different.
And, they did not behave themselves at the public ritual but ran away with the Elemental invocations, blah, blah, blah. I know. I sound like a baby.
But, I get hugs when I've said no, put up my hand and stepped back. Granted it wasn't a close hug, but, no means, no! I am afraid that one more boundary crossing will be the last straw. They do not understand boundaries at all. When I enforce mine they get angry, pout, and cause a scene. I deal with this at work. I do not want to deal with this from them.
Okay, I'm *living in the wreckage of the future*. They might actually behave themselves. I might give them a chance to behave themselves. But, if they can't behave at a public ritual, why do I think they would behave in this instance?
Maybe they'll think they don't need teaching rituals. One can only hope.
I feel like my boundaries are assaulted with every encounter with them and their damaged boundaries. One does the talking thing. Talks nonstop. No one can get a word in edgewise. The other...just no boundaries. Let's people walk all over himphysically, emotionally, sexually. And he does the same if he can. Oh, yes. I know them all too well. Which is why I am so scared. Scarred.
I don't want to exclude them from the community but I don't know how else to keep myself safe. Unless we state, specifically, what is okay and what is not. And I know from past experience that they will find the thing we have forgotten and use it.
Oy!

2007-04-01T21:59:00.000-04:00

I don't make decisions quickly, usually. They come to me slowly. Especially when they involve *community*. The whole Reclaiming coffee thing took weeks to sort out. Was I being spiteful? Was it a *power play*? How did I really feel and why? What, exactly, was going on?
So, I took the time to work it all out. No, it wasn't a power play. Yes, I may have been just a bit spiteful. I knew people were going to be upset. But that was mainly about their power issues and thinking they controlled something that they do not want to commit to. I was REALLY ANGRY about how people were behaving and shifting thier responsibilities onto me. So, when things became clear, I took responsibilty for my feelings and my actions and did what I think is the right thing. We're just doing something different now. Something with more purpose that will fill a need here.
So, however others may feel, I am okay with my actions.

I saw a hawk in the park today. It eyed Daisy up just a little too closely. But, as she is slightly bigger than the hawk, it left her alone. It was awesome. Daisy has developed a dog's reverance for the *sacred springs* in the park and did them full honors by walking in the water pouring from them. One was quite a little waterfall after all the rain we've had. She was quite impressed by it. She had herself a dive into the water pouring off the rocks. Need I mention that she was very muddy by the time she was done *worshipping*. Going to the river is a must now. She will love it.

2007-03-31T22:15:00.000-04:00

I am pondering the things that always seem to change this time of year. It's like cleaning out one's closet except it is one's life that get's cleaned out. In the Program we call it an inventory. Just like in a store. Take stock of what you've got, see what you want to put on sale, and what just needs to go in the trash heap. And then, of course, there is *the keep* pile.
Therapy is on the keep pile, although I'm waiting to find out that it's really worth my time. I keep telling myself that my therapist doesn't really know me yet and I need to give it some time. So I will.
What once was *Coffee with Reclaiming and Friends* (for those who have committment issues) has been put on the trash pile. It was all *friends* and no Reclaiming. It was hijacked by the Meetup group. Not a bad lot as humans go but not Reclaiming. The guy that organizes the meetups even made signs that said Pittsburgh Witches Meetup Group. So people would not be confused. I was not confused. And I asked him to STOP advertising the coffees as a Reclaiming event. Cause it's not. I was the only one there who would commit or admit to being Reclaiming so since I'm not going and no one else wants even to commit to any tradition at all they need to come up with a new name.
We'll do our Reclaiming stuff at a different time in a different place and it will be called Reclaiming and it will look like Reclaiming and if they still want to play with us they are welcome. But, kindly, don't call it something else.
Okay, I'm pissed! Yep!
But, I caused my little wave and the coffees are renamed and I have fielded the emails and phone calls that begin, *What the hell was that all about?* And I did not make that decision on my own. Those us us with the metaphorical balls to call ourselves Reclaiming witches made the decision. So, it's over and although feelings were hurt there are consequences to sitting on the fence too long. Like it gets to be a pain in the ass.
And boundaries are way up there on the keep list. I've had enough crossed lately to take stock of how, exactly, I am expressing myself and revising just what I say and do so there are no grey areas wherein anyone could be confused about my physical boundaries. I will say, *No, you can't have a hug.* Because the no body language, even a hand sticking out and a step back were apparently to ambiguous.
Walking and yoga and weights are keepers too. Gotta keep the downward flow of energy bouncing back up somehow.
And Al-Anon. That is definitely a keeper.
That's it for now. Inventories don't have to be done all in one day.

dog news

2007-03-26T21:44:00.000-04:00

I had a giant scare yesterday. Seuss, our BIG dog was not behaving as usual at the park. Lagging behind, not running, sitting down when I stopped to wait for him to catch up. On the way home I was watching him closely and found a lump that was quite huge (how could I have missed that?) on his left side. We lost our Lab to cancer a few years ago and I was worried that Seuss had cancer too. Well, NO. He has fatty tissue deposits, according to the vet. He is just FAT. So, now he is on a special diet. Two cups of food a day. No more. Relieved. Vastly relieved.

shells

2007-03-25T21:47:00.000-04:00

I have a shell like the T-Rex musta had. Unless they were incubated toothless. Seems unlikely. I've known this for some 20 years or so. I was not too very disturbed by it. It served it's purpose. Other people found it intimidating. As well they should! That was part of the purpose. I was told that Witchcamp would crack me open. NOT! See, I've always taken a BAD view of anyone who thought my shell could be cracked by ANY external event. They were there. Waiting for me to crack. They cracked. Not me. Not the T-Rex shell. I think I felt like if someone was waiting so obviously gleeful about it, that was NOT the time. Mind you, my shell was permeable to the things I needed. Otherwise I would not have changed ever. It, I, knew when it was time to begin to peck, gnaw, open. I have always thought that people who were so worried about my shell ought to be more worried about their own or their lack thereof. But, cracking open it is. Not from any external force but from within, it is time. It has been mentioned, noticed by others whom I consider *safe*. Not gleeful. I have shed more tears in the past week than in the past 30 years. Healing tears. Not tears of rage or selfishness. Not tantrums. Grief. And, apparently, this is the sign to the other humans that I am one of them. That I am not as together as I might appear. I'm not being conceited. It has been spoken that I am so together and sane. I do think I'm sane. (ooh, that could be bad.) But it's nice to have my humaness recognised too.

2007-03-17T16:43:00.000-04:00

It's been a crying day. It started almost as soon as I got up. I saw a therapist for the first time yesterday. First real session. It was not too bad. But it was probably what set me off. Everyone seems to think that I need to move out of MY house asap. (my therapist too, went on about the possibilities) Well, be that as it may, asap is not going to be all that soon. Financially, I just cannot do that. It will take some time and other changes before that becomes the thing I can do. I still have to live in the mean time. And my biggest concern is that I will lose my suppost system in the mean time because they don't like what I'm doing, the choices I'm making. Which is rally scary. The people in my house are no sort of healthy support system and the people I'm afraid of losing are. But, I can't make choices I can't see my way clear to just because others think I should.

And if the friendships, support systems I have are so tenuous that they would fall apart on account of my not doing what they think I should...well, then, maybe they aren't as supportive as I thought. I need to do what I can, when I can, as I see it being useful and possible. Although I am nopt opposed to trying the impossible...trying to rent on NO money just doesn't seem like a good idea. I think it's called *being homeless* or...*squatting*. I DO have a home. It ain't the most healthy place on Earth but it is warm and dry. I'm not saying that I won't ever move out. If it becomes a reality then so be it. But, for now, I'll live in the building for which I pay a mortgage. I will see to my own safety within this sick system and do my best to be as emotionally balanced as I and my Higher Power can arrange. I have other issues to work on and I am doing that. I can't live my life according to other people's expectations. Therapists, friends and support system included.

I went to the Al-Anon meeting that everyone has been telling me is the best in Pittsburgh this morning. It conflicts with yoga so I had not been. I sat there and cried through the whole meeting (trying not to the whole time) and then when it ended the dam sorta broke and I just couldn't stop. It was all about the friends I am afraid I'll lose because I'm making decision that differ from their suggestions. I didn't ask for suggestions. I was only looking to vent. But, that's how people are. Some have not really perfected their mind reading skills. It's hard. I live in a crazy situation. I have no real options at the moment. I think I'm pretty sane in spite of my household. Don't get me wrong...I have my issues. But not living in the Truth isn't one of them. Being able to live in/with the Truth and be okay in who I am. That's what I try to do. It seems to be working for now and I have faith that the Goddess will make it crystal clear when it is not. That's how my program works. That's what conscious contact is about.

This feeling that I'm letting everyone down. That's probably my codependence shining through.

snow day/mental health day

2007-02-13T08:50:00.000-05:00

I was called off school today. Kindergarten was cancelled. It is a miracle. We almost never close. We are not actually closed now. But we will close at 3pm. We are usually open until 6pm. So, I got an unexpected call as I was on my way in...cause we never close and if we are open class goes on. But, now I am home. I will take Daisy on her first *snow walk*. It was waaay too cold for her to have a *snow walk* the last time it snowed.

It is fortuitous that I have today off, although it may mean I cannot get to my beloved home group meeting. I am having a life crisis wherein I get to fall to pieces and then try to put it all together again. Fortunately I have Divine and human help in this cause I could NOT do it alone. I really needed a day to be quiet and work with myself and my Deity and just gather myself. I have a great deal of work to do both spiritual and life stuff. None of it is really *new* just much clearer now. And vitally important to my physical, spiritual, and mental health that I do this work now. Cause it won't go away or anything. This we know.

another poem

2007-02-02T22:59:00.000-05:00

I came
A barren wasteland inside
Sick and broken outside
No smile
No tear
Desparation
I stayed
Willing
Willing to suspend disbelief
Willing to try, without hope
Struggling
Day by day
Moments of awe
Hours of despair
Moments of despair
Days of awe
Growing
Changing
Slowly, painfully
Pain becomes
Real joy
Truth becomes the quest

A poem in honour of Brigid

2007-02-02T22:55:00.000-05:00

Fire within
Fire without
Dross burned away
Truth glows brightly from the
heart of the flames
Edges glinting
A gem of freedom
In flames of transformation

Marjie Douty 2.2.2007

Seventeen Years

2007-02-01T22:03:00.000-05:00

I want people whose blogs I read to post more...and here's me. I haven't posted for over a month. I do have an excuse. I was gifted a new puppy. A boxer/lab mix from the local shelter. Daisy. She is 3 months old. We brought her home on the 26th of December. She has tripled in weight and size since then. Currently a little over 12 pounds. She is adorable and energetic. So, I've been busy. Our other dog is over 7 and he's not too demanding. Daisy is a whole 'nother story. I think she is the dunce of puppy class. But, she does the commands at home. Maybe she's just shy. Not. But, she has a big distraction in another puppy, Tessie, a golden lab. But, other than puppy care, I've been trying to keep up on the classes I need to keep my teaching certificate. Easier to do things in a timely fashion than to wait until the very last minute and then panic.

On a different note, today I have been sober for exactly 6,209 days. That's 17 years one day at a time. It's funny. It's not like I didn't know how much time I had. I did , of course. But, once I began to think about it I realized I am fast approaching being sober longer than the span of time I was alive before getting sober. It's a kick to realize one has been sober longer than one drank. But, I passed that one up a while ago. It sets me to thinking about how this all came about and where the hell am I going. And scary pledges to Brigid an all. Cause you know that whatever you pledge, it will not look a bit like what you thought it would. Therein lies the scary. But, then, getting sober didn't look a bit like what I thought it would either. And having 17 years doesn't look like what I thought it would either. I thought I would be such a sage. What crap. And the work doesn't get any easier. Just different. Oh, it changes. Yes, yes. It all changes very much. I am not the person I was ten years ago, let alone 17 years ago. But, I am, at my core, still the same person. And I carry the memories of all those changes in my bones. That's why the fear. I was afraid 17 years ago. Gods, I think that was the main emotion in my life. That and rage. Now, I can be afraid and know it and walk through anyway. But the experience of past *walks* tells me the unknown will open and I will walk through. Sometimes I'm not sure if that's brave or foolish. But, so far, I have not been lead astray.
So, here's to *doing it afraid, baby!*

Solstice

2006-12-23T23:53:00.000-05:00

We had a lovely Solstice. It was quiet compared to past Solstices. But, then there are three of us. There have been more. This Solstice was very nice. Connected, and purposeful. Purpose Full. We had a ritual which was going to be public and then in the planning session we decided not to do a public ritual. It was just what we needed. Divine Intervention and all. We tranced to our place of power. For one of us this was her first group trance. Like participatory group trance. She wasn't scared at all. I've been invovled with group trance that took hours and hours and hours just to get started because someone wasn't sure they were ready. She's bold though. She came to one Reclaiming ritual and she said I've found what I was looking for. I was pleased. Like someone praising your child. My child. I have nurtured and cradled the spark for so long, it is so very nice to have others helping to gently blow on the spark and maybe it will flame forth now and not just be kept from going out. I've been holding space for so long. I was weary. I wanted this ritual not to be public because I didn't have the strength to keep doing what I was doing. Funny, that. You hold on until you have reached the end of your rope and find there is someone there to catch you. Nice.

Changes

2006-12-12T22:09:00.000-05:00

This has been the year for awakenings. Okay, already. I'm up. I'm up. I have been really doing some hard work. It's hard because it requires me to be really honest with myself and with others. And the learning curve has been a bitch too. I'm not sure I wanted to learn quite this much this year. But, these things come wrapped up in quests for clarity and honsety and freedom. I can't be free unless I am honest and clear up the past. Not that I've never done that before. But, this year has been very enlightening. And really, much of it was stuff that I could see already but was not addressing. Apparently, working with clarity and honesty requires addressing this stuff. Being honest with people. Asking for help and then doing the work. Yep, this is all a bit cryptic without the real facts. So, the newest facts are these:
I got a new sponsor - who requires actual work from me even though I worked all the steps already.
I got a new home group. One that is not involved in fighting each other and airing opinions on other people's beliefs or lifestyles. One where there are NOT two sides and you WILL be assigned a side. Like it or not. I was assigned to the left-wing side since I'm a lesbian and a witch. That's just not right-wing material. These things may set me apart in many places but in A.A. they should not be an issue for the group. If they are...I need to find a new group. See, I told two friends last Summer that I was looking for a new home group. They said, *Oh no, please don't leave. We need you. Our side is winning.* I should have said, *What side? Winning what?* But I did not. It was easier to stay and I wanted to be accepted and *needed*. So, I stayed. I got crazier and crazier. I KNEW that this was not the group where I would share anything really important. I knew I did not really trust anyone there. Even the two women whom I stayed for. Cause I KNEW they had an agenda. I just wasn't clear what it was. Now, I'm a little clearer on that. I believe it is personal between at least one of them and another couple in the group. They rejoiced when sponsees left the woman they don't like. (This is the same woman who told me being a lesbian was going to get me drunk and a few other things...so I had reasons to play along...not healthy ones, but reasons.) I can't be a part of this war they have going. There are no factions in A.A. *Principles above personalities*. The principles went out the window a long time ago and no one has missed them yet. They are all too busy defending themselves cause they're at war and all. It ain't my war. I'm not fighting. The Big Book says we ceased fighting anyone or anything. I get waves of peace when I realize I don't have to worry about defending my lifestyle or my beliefs. In my new home group, my beliefs are my own...no one else's business. And my lifestyle is not an issue. The only issue is recovery. That's what A.A. is about.
Now, to figure out a sane and helpful way to tell my old group that I'm leaving. And my old sponsor. I don't want to create any more issues, they have enough. But, I do want to be honest. This will be hard. There may be tears involved.

epiphany

2006-12-05T21:57:00.000-05:00

I made a discovery yesterday. Well, actually it was more of an epiphany. I realized that my fear of intense, sad emotions comes from that experience with my former sponsor. See, my theory is that I was in a depression after she told me being lesbian was not normal and was going to get me drunk. Makes perfect sense to me that hearing that from someone I thought was not only my sponsor but my best friend of eight years would leave a few scars. But I never realized until recently how deeply I was hurt and how far I went to stop the pain. I think that after I began to see the light of day again I was so fearful of being caught up in the pain and sadness again that I recoiled from ANYTHING that looked like sad. I had no idea. Really. Which I consider to be amazing, cause if you'd have asked me about it I would have told you. If I trusted you...I might have told you the whole sordid story. But, therein lies the problem. After that happened I trusted no one. I told no one what was going on. My Deep Self went into hiding for a long time. She was terrified of being hurt again. I do hope that if something like that would happen again I would have the presence and sense of self to say, *Fuck you. It's none of your business.* and not let it take me so far down. But, the thing is, it wasn't just what was said, but who said it. For fuck sake, the woman was my SPONSOR! For eight years!! I had no indication that she felt that way. No wonder I'm so big on honesty now. If you don't like my slifestyle, tell me before we start a relationship. Before I get tangled up in caring what you think. Just so ya know, my sponsor now is far more open and I am not her only lesbian sponsee. I checked that and her out for a long time before I asked. And just in case, I have a gay man as a second sponsor. Just in case there should be another scene in which I am attacked for who I am. Yep, better safe than sorry. Plus, he's got more time than my other sponsor. Huh! No, I am not as naive or as trusting as I once was. File that one under *Live and Learn*. Unfortuantely I was hurt so badly that it took me eight years to come to grips with it. Probably for the best. I didn't start to work on this until I had a new support system and even then it took about a year to work it's way to the surface. Was that my subconscious protecting me or just me being in denial. Perhaps a little of both. I couldn't start to work on this until I had started to try and trust people again and realized that I didn't. I thought I was pretty trusting. No, I was just surface friendly. I still am. I'll pretty much talk to anybody. But it took a lot of work to start to share what was really going on and what had happened to damage my trust. After all, I had shared my whole life with this woman and she informed me that I was not normal and would get drunk unless I *just found a guy and got laid*. Really. Well, here I am with 16 years and 10 months sober. That's 8 years and 10 months since she told me my lifestyle would get me drunk! So, HA!

ramblings of a deranged sane person

2006-12-03T21:34:00.000-05:00

So Mystery School is almost over. There is one last part of the story and workbook. I have not posted for a while on the lists and I have not finished the story I was writing. I might, but not in time. It was too painful. Plus, as I found out, I had other things I needed to work on. Those things are works in progress. They came as messages/tasks from the Goddess and so ought not be ignored. If you ignore them, they will bite you in the ass. Although they were difficult tasks wherein I had to look at some parts of myself that I would rather have not, the work has been good. Good for me and good to me. This is an advantage of doing it when called and not putting it off. The time was right, I was ready. It has been freeing. So, a few less secrets, a few less skeletons, at least, that no one knows about. It simplifies things so much. Yes, things are simpler now. I remembered who I was and it is good.

Time

2006-12-02T22:34:00.000-05:00

So, I've been very, very busy. No, not like work busy or running around busy - although I have been hitting a lot of meetings lately. A few more than usual. That was to counteract the idea that I don't fit in anywhere. That usually works pretty well. I did have one experience since my last post where a meeting didn't really work in that instance. Had a guy at a meeting tell me I didn't look like a lesbian. What?! I forgot to don the uniform? It's a requirement? I mostly blew it off. He only has a year. Stupid things can come out of people's mouths. Besides, it's not really his business, now, is it? So, I moved on from there...well, I did think it was important enough to mention...so let's say, I was in a fragile state but I am moving on from there. I could have said you don't look gay but I have some control over my tongue now. Some.

Anyway, I realized lately how long things actually take to work out, process, whatever you want to call it. I may have mentioned an issue I had with the sponsor I had for eight years (and I may not have). It was one of the worst experiences of my life. She told me that my lifestyle choice was not normal and it was going to get me drunk. I should just find a nice guy. It was not said as calmly as it is read here. It was said in a tirade in which she threw at me everything that was in my 5th step. (That's where you tell your Higher Power and another human being *the exact nature of your wrongs*.) Ypou know, the people you hurt, all the dishonest crap, everything that stands between you and *may the past be clean behind me* kind of stuff. Well, fuck man, I wanted to get sober and stay that way, so I told her all the stuff that was written in my 4th step. (mostly the same stuff, but this is where you fighure out who, what, why, and get an idea of who will be in your 8th and 9th steps. harms and amends) So, there it was. All that stuff being brought up and used against me. I had made my amends long before. I was eight years sober at the time she did this. I had learned to listen to what she had to say. For the most part, even when I didn't want to hear it, it was what I needed to hear. So, I sat and listened to this and I let is wash over me in waves and sink into my bones. I didn't realize this at the time. I was far too shocked. But, sink in it did. Even though I stopped talking to her and stopped going to meetings the damage was already done. Words can be so damaging. I was hurt and angry which I knew at the time. But, what I did not realize until just recently was just how deeply her words had penetrated my soul. After the hurt and anger, and before the grief, I just went numb. I had lost my support system. I think numb was probably the best choice for survival. I stayed sober to *show her* that it could be done. She made amends a few years later saying she was out of line. And I thought all was well. But no, a couple of years ago, I was walking down West Carson Street, a *crunchy, granola section of Pittsburgh and found myself thinking about all the bars that were new, that I has never been in and thinking maybe I jusmped the gun on this whole being an alcoholic thing (this was 14 years sober) so, I thought it might be a good idea to find a meeting. So I did. The only *alternative* meeting on my side of town and started going regularly. I liked the people there and they were friendly and all and so I made it my home group. Well, shortly after that, I find that my old sponsor (yep, that one) and her husband go to this meeting regularly. They had been up in the mountains for the Summer. WHY ARE THEY AT AN ALTERNATIVE MEETING??? Well, it would seem that they are so obnoxious that it is the only meeting where people will be tolerant of them...up to a point. So, I had to decide if I run away because they are there or stay because I like the rest of the people. It took me years to realize just how hard it is for me to stay there. I do go to other meetings. I have a new support system which does not include them. Yet, her very presence was enough to bring everything back. And I realized that I was so hurt that I froze the process befor it was finished. It was just too painful. Another eight years down the road and I have to finish this or shut it down again. Well, I didn't feel like it bit me in the ass or anything, it flet very organic and it seemed like the time was right to finish this. So, that's what I've been doing. Time. It was probably the best way this could have happened. Eight years later. It seems so crazy that it took eight years, but time is like that. And you'll know when it's time.

2006-11-21T22:06:00.000-05:00

click on the link to the post before this one to read it...it comes up lighter. Doy!

And so it goes

2006-11-21T21:43:00.000-05:00

I am in the midst of healing. Much healing. Healing is painful and itchy. But these itches are in places that one cannot easily scratch. Like they aren't physical places. Many years ago I had a dear and intimate friend with whom I shared everything. My life, my soul, the bright and the dark. I had never had such a close and intimate relationship ever before in my life. It was a heady experience. Perhaps I shared too much, perhaps not enough, perhaps it didn't matter. Perhaps I was not the problem; what I did or did not do. Nonetheless, at the end, she used everything she knew about me to tear me open. She did not tell anyone else. She kept my confidence, then. But she tore me into little shreds and scattered me about the room. She attacked my sex life, my deepest secrets were bandied about and made light of, made to seem like defects instead of the wounds or personal parts of me that they are. This was a loved and trusted friend. I know this sounds petty and childish...at least to me. it was a long time ago. But, I have never trusted anyone with a confidence since. Nothing that wasn't already public knowledge or that I was reasonably sure I could stand to have made fun of or made light of or turned on me in wome unforseen way. Yes, this does limit relationships. But, I was so wounded by her behaviour that it has taken me 8 years to be able to admit that. To move from, *What a fucking bitch.* to *That really hurt me.* Do I think she did that intentionally? Do I think she set me up? No, I do not. Which is the single most important fact about the whole situation. She was not a malicious person. She did not set out to hurt me like that. I don't even think she meant it to hurt like it did at the time. I think I was just in the right place at the right time and I was the one who caught the full blast of whatever the hell was going on with her. She wasn't even angry at me. I still don't know what happened. She blamed it on SAD. That's nice. You have a name for what you have. All I have are lots of open wounds. Wounds that hurt so bad there weren't even tears for them. I knew that if the tears started they would never stop. That's why I needed 8 years between the hurt and the healing. It took that long for the wounds to close enough to be able to look at them. Like when you hurt yourself and you know it's bad and you know if you look at it you'll pass out. Like that.

the joy of living

2006-11-19T22:50:00.000-05:00

I have made some amazing discoveries lately. No, not lost cities. Just lost Marjies. I have been doing some really difficult work. The kind where you can't really explain what you are doing because it is so fucking internal that no one gets it but you. I tried to tell a few people but, it just wasn't that important to them. It was my work and it was that important only to me. It started as working with/for clarity. I was just not very fucking happy and the Big Book tells me that when I am not happy there is something wrong with ME. So, since I had no clue what that might be...I started with clarity. Which turned into working with honesty. Yep. Being honest with myself came first. Kinda hit me hard, like a punch because I didn't realize I wasn't being honest with myself. After that, there was an amends I needed to make wherein I dragged another person into my self dishonesty (that's a whole 'nother blog) and hurt them. Then, I made this awesome discovery. Honesty leads to freedom which leads to peace, serenity, joy. I found that I wanted to live. The work was worth the price.
I discovered that running from yourself is really hard work and takes a lot of energy and sucks all the joy from life. When I stopped running I found my *still place in my belly* and peace. And a weight was lifted from me that I didn't even realize I was carrying. I thought i had it all worked out in a way that made everybody happy. Everybody but me. I was miserable.
Now, from clarity to honesty to freedom to joy. Let me remember this feeling in my bones. And the nastiness of dishonesty. Lest I forget how much dishonesty hurts and how hard it is to carry around.

In Process

2006-11-17T21:37:00.000-05:00

Yep. More will be revealed. I am still processing this new and insightful (strangely - since I've known about this most of my life) information. I don't know if this *new* insight is real or a reaction to some nasty experiences in the past. That is part of my work I guess. Or, the nasty experiences of the past happened because I was trying to force something that wasn't what I really wanted. Surrender and let it happen.

2006-11-16T22:01:00.000-05:00

Wow. I was just sitting around not really doing anything when it hit me. Came out of left field. Not that I was unaware of the subject/situation. I've been aware of it since I was 11 years old. But, it was one of those situations where I decided not to decide anything. Not to eliminate any of the *possiblities* or half the population, as a friend of mine says. But, as is wont to happen with me...the situation became clear in an instant. And a stone was lifted from me. A stone that was far heavier than I knew. Well, I'd been lugging it around since I was 11, I gotten used to it's weight. I didn't realize how heavy it was until it was gone. I'm lighter now. I'm still not actually deciding anything. But I don't think that was what the situation called for. It just called for an honest admition of the truth. I've been as truthful as I know how to be, with myself. I didn't fare so well on the other people side. I was asked a point blank question this evening and gave a non answer. The question caused me to doubt myself...big flaw...and I caved. I'll work on that.

Breathing Health

2006-11-01T21:16:00.000-05:00

There has been illness aplenty in my near and dear lately. I took my brother to the emergency room with a staph infection in his leg...not that we knew that...but it was red and swollen and he had a wound that would not heal. A big one. Strated as a pimple.
My cousin has been in the hospital for three weeks with intestinal obstructions. One, they could not find. She may still have surgery.
And one of my dearest friends has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and will be having surgery, etc. on the 12th.
So, I've been working on sending energy to them and on paying attention to my own health, which is excellent. I'd like to keep it that way.I don't think health is accidental.

oneupmanship

2006-10-29T16:05:00.000-05:00

I have been doing some intense work lately. This is not it. This is just something that bugs me.
Oneupmanship in spiritual practice.
This is waht it sounds like and sometimes what is actually said:
My work is deeper than yours.
My coven is better, stronger, darker, etc. than yours.
We're more connected; on a deeper level.
My work is too mysterious to explain.
My work must be better because it comes with an insanity warning label. Yours only suggests that you get professional help if you need it. (Well, what's more sane? Addressing the problem or letting the insane person dive deeper into insanity...cause if you're really insane you won't be the first one to say so.)

My issue is that ALL the work we do is as deep as we let it be. We have more control over this than some would like to think. But, then they are the ones looking for the *magic pill*. There ain't no magic pill. *It works if you work it.* Regardless. If your not able to do the work some part of you will resist it...until you are able. It's not about a name. And if you're bragging about how *deep* your work is...well you've raised my suspions right there. When my work is at it's deepest I'm at my quietest. I'm not running around telling people how deep my work is. I'm just BEING in awe of the Goddess, the forces of the universe, and how it all works together.

Rant over. I feel better now. This has been brewing for a long time.

Eulogy

2006-10-17T22:07:00.000-04:00

Missie, my little dog died today. She was going for a few weeks. The vet could not find anything wrong with her. But she quit eating and drinking...despite my best efforts to tempt her. She quit moving. She spent her days and nights curled on her little bed. She was named Mischief but called Missie. She was a BAD puppy, but she grew into a GREAT dog. She had more courage than dogs four times her size. She was sweet and fiesty and neurotic and a ball of energy. I loved her.

How I Came To Be Reclaiming or Liberation Psychotherapy in Action

2006-10-15T14:37:00.000-04:00

This came up, for me, at least, last night at coffee. I got derailed because I said something about not looking for change or transition. And that's partly true. I wasn't *looking* to *change* so much as I was looking for that elusive *spiritual experience* or *spiritual awakening*. I HAD to have a spirituality that worked for my program to keep working...so in a way I was reaching for change, transformation or looking for the spirituality that would allow the transforming which had already begun to continue. BUT, I had come FINALLY to a place where I wasn't looking for a *fix* for things I hated about me. I liked me, which IMO allowed me to find that which I was looking for.
My search was long and very interesting (it actually began at the age of 12 got off track for a few years and...) I already knew what I didn't want because I had tried that. I found that some brands of Christianity didn't work with the 12 steps (for me anyway). Or, they tried to Christianize them so as not to upset the applecart of their own beliefs. BECAUSE, if the 12 steps work while one's Higher Power is human or an inamimate object, then, that says something scary about this whole thing that many Christians of my acquaintance can't accept.
Not being a sheep was big in my childhood home. And I was taught to look, read, and gather information, with a critcal eye. THINK and come to my own conclusions. This got me into trouble with every variety of established religion of which I have experience.
On my circuitous quest for a spirituality that works I tried every variety of established faith of which I knew. But, I never found the peace and serenity within them that was a part of what I was searching for. I didn't find it - not because it wasn't there - but because it must come from within. I found it when I abandoned my quest and turned within. Granted, that sounds like a dangerous situation. But it didn't FEEL dangerous. Ot felt freeing. I wasn't searching for some elusive *thing* anymore. Some quality or feeling that everyone but me could find. I reached a place where I was able to be with me, in the place where I was, and go on from there. That's when things really began to change. I found books like The Spiral Dance and Drawing Down the Moon while casually browsing library and bookstore shelves. I hadn't stopped practising SOME form of spirituality, understand. I had just stopped my quest and stopped fighting. The form of spirituality that I needed would grow from where I was.
It must have looked vey chaotic from the outside - formless. And I had very little ability to explain in words what I was doing. It was a spirituality of doing, not saying. But I had one guiding principle: If this (these) actions/practises bring me peace then I will keep them. If not, I will discard them. That was/is the foundation stone upon which I built.
Don't think for a moment that my spirituality brings only peace and serenity. I had already reached an understanding that these are the rewards for walking through the fore. I have also learned that this is an action realted to humility. Humility allows me to reach for the changes/tansformations which will lead to peace and serenity before sagnation/denial leads to some crisis. And then, the cycle begins again...or you're dead and a different cycle begins.

workings

2006-10-13T23:35:00.000-04:00

So, here I am in the blog that few read...that's a good thing because I can just say what ai need to say and not too many people will tell me about it.
I've been very busy lately. Not so you would notice...not in a running around kind of way. I've been busy in an inside kind of way. Doing my work, so to speak. Working my program and all. It became painfully apparent lately, that I needed to do that. Not that I thought I wasn't, but I was missing a few pieces of the puzzle. Pieces that made things fit. Like, I had slipped back into some nasty codependent behaviour patterns and they were making me nuts for months but, I only just figured out what the hell was going on. I thought it was them, not me. So silly. I forgot that the only person I can change is me. I let all the chaos back into my life. It had been so long, years and years, that I forgot what it looked like. I forgot how to say no and not give excuses or feel guilty. I remember now. I felt really stupid for forgetting these things. But, then, the people I let catch me up in the chaos don't know any other way. And the first few times, were times I thought were really things I needed to do. For me and for them. And then, it fell apart and I fell head long into the chaos and craziness.
I'm back and I'm okay. Tonight, one of the main characters in the craziness said, *I have bad news for our group!* The look on his face was serious! So, we asked, *What?* He said, *Our barista is leaving!*
Okay, so she's a good barista. But, let's face it, it's a deadend job. So, she's leaving. She's a barista. She's not the only one and she's training replacements. Not a big deal. We told him so. He was crushed. And pissed. Oh, well. Yep. I'm back. I'm a mean old bitch and I practise my ways. Usually, I enjoy it too. I have to be careful because I can enjoy it a little too much. I forget to be compassionate as well as a mean old bitch. No blood, no bandaid.

And then there was the first meeting of the book study that started tonight. Since many of the people are new, it was decided that we would study The Spiral Dance. Give them a nice solid start. It gave me a good dose of frustration. Yep, I was pissed at most of them. They either didn't read the first chapter, couldn't comprehend what they read or had no opinion on it. Or, all of the above. Everyone had the book. Everyone professes to being able to read. I have *book talks* with 5 year olds! Granted, there aren't any pictures to stimulate conversation, but, I was hoping we wouldn't need them. It was frustrating because some peoplewanted to discuss the book and others were having their won converstaions and they kept moving in and out of the conversation. No staying on track. I really didn't want to set this up as a leader/class situation. I wanted it to be more informal. Does that have to mean chaotic? We'll see how it goes but, I think we may need to rethink this or talk about behaviour. Cause they all said they wanted to do this and the folks who didn't own the book bought it...even though they didn't read it. So...do they? Cause it only works if we read the book before we try to talk about it.

anger in ritual

2006-09-27T21:16:00.000-04:00

I am trying to process something that happened at our Mabon ritual last Saturday. I would rather NOT think that Chris was accidentally aspecting Hades. I'm not sure I even think that;s possible. The unintentional part. Here's why. He is very angry with me for sort of cutting him off. We had a seriously enmeshed relationship and I had to stop. I just could not go on like that. He was angry at me the day of the ritual because I wouldn't pick him up and he had to take the bus. So, he did not bring any of the things he was supposed to bring to ritual. Being bitchy. I should have had a heads up then. But, I was kinda busy with the whole *hosting ritual for a bunch of other people* thing and I wasn't paying attention to just how pissed off he was.

So, then there was the actual ritual. Which he thought sucked. I did not think so. But, I had a few other perceptions which did not mesh with his as well. I had the most violent emotional reaction to what he said to the girl who was acting the part of Persephone. (We acted out the myth in ritual.) If I had not been one of the co-priestesses I would have walked out! I wanted to HURT him! Really. And the scary thing is, I used to behave in just that way. I have not physically or emotionally hurt anyone in a long while so the urge to do so was QUITE disturbing. He grabbed *Persephone's wrist and when she tried to pull her wrist away, he would not let go. And my reaction was so intense I DO NOT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID! Only how I felt while he was saying it.
Then there was the grabbing the hands of the people on either side of him and trying to swing them back and froth to force them to raise energy. What kind of energy would that have been. I told him to stop. The participants were freaked out. No other group around here raises energy and these people had never been to a Reclaiming ritual. I don't really know what happened but I felt threatened and violated and I KNEW what was going on. Maybe that's why. Maybe ignorance IS bliss.
See, thing is, I've been in ritual with experienced priestesses who were TRYING to mes with my head and I have not been freaked out. I have never felt the desire to walk out of ritual. WTF?
Still processing.

gifts from the dead

2006-09-13T23:44:00.000-04:00

I was pleased, at first, when some of my beloved dead arrived. Then I was perplexed. Now, I am offering thanks for their gifts. Advice, suggestions really.
*Know my strength
*Be creative
*Activate passion
*Align with my inner wisdom through sloitude and trust (in myself and renewed sense of hope in life. A renewed openess to possibilities - "continuous change and infinite possiblities")

They came to help me set boundaries around myself and give perspective. Guess I needed more help with those boundaries than I suspected. I should have known when my body began to get in on the action. I'm glad they're here. I don't feel like I'm losing my mind anymore.

"I know my own mind and it's around here somewhere."

I see dead people?

2006-09-11T23:49:00.000-04:00

I have mentioned that I've been haunted lately. I know I have. I know a lot of dead people. It was making me a little crazy. I was frustrated. The dead were frustrated. How do you frustrate the dead? Don't listen! What do they want? I asked around. I'm a witch! Ask them what they want! So, I did. The dead have a different perspective. This may not come as a revelation to anyone but me but these were not the healthiest people when they were alive. Death changes that. They were here to share their perspective and help me work with my strengths. Work with my deep knowledge. In quiet and solitude. So not me! And some other crap I've been working on. I must always slam myself against a brick wall for a bit before a solution dawns on me. Feeling relieved but bruised.

2006-09-10T21:57:00.000-04:00

So, do ya'll have beloved dead that just seem to want to hang out and kibbutz? I do. I could just be weird. It has been suggested before. But there must be more to it.

2006-09-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

So, I am just really excited. See, when the housemates from hell moved in I had to move my computer and all the crap that goes with it. Well, I could not find the drivers for my scanner after that. Its been seven months. I have been quite disturbed by the icon for the nonworking scanner. Well, today, in the midst of cleaning my room (read: *This mess is so big and so wide and so tall we can not clean it up. There is no way at all.* Well, I did and without the *help* of
Thing 1 and Thing 2.) I found it in a pile of papers, in the plastic bag with the instructions and the bill and all the necessary stuff. It is now a functioning scanner and not just another bit a equipment that collects dust.

Visitors

2006-09-05T22:08:00.000-04:00

Infinite possibilities! Indeed. Breathe into that. I dare you! I dared me! Gods, what a journey!

And here it is only early September and my beloved dead are already crowding in. Make hay while the sun shines!?? Does this bode well or.... It feels right. I was told by a friend to tell them to go. That they are tortured souls and I'm not tortured anymore. They don't seem tortured either. I never said I had poltergeists! Just house guests. They were frequent house guests when they were alive. So.... At least they don't cook or leave their crap scattered all over the house. Just all over my head! But, it feels comforting to have them around. Their presence brings me joy and a nice warm feeling. A calm. We did love each other. The best we knew how. And the fact that I am still among the living brings me gratitude. Given that this particluar lot of beloved dead has never visited enmasse before leads me to believe that they have a purpose. What, aside form lots of memories, I don't know yet. We'll just see where that goes.

So many changes have taken place over the last few months. Friends gone. Coven died a natural death. Well, I helped it along a little with the phrase, *I'm not comfortable working magic with you.* So, perhaps, a little euthanasia to end it's suffering. It was going before. Silly to pretend it was healthy. We had already stopped working together. No one had voiced it, though. So....

Old relationships over, new ones on the horizon. I am remarkably sane given the path I've been on. Or, perhaps, because of the path I've been on. There is no easier, softer way. Like *The Bear Hunt* no way out or onwards but through. There may be some residual drama left over. But, I choose not to participate. I've made chiooces based on my own integrity (which means *wholeness* BTW) and my own physical, mental, and spiritual health. I don't play around with that. I can't. Sometimes it takes me a while to catch on, all that tolerance and inherent value and all. Not that tolerance and inherent value ore bad as values go. No, no. They are right up there with what I aspire to be when I grow up. But there comes a time when I must hold my boundaries and let other people be who they are and do what they do outside of them (my boundaries).
This does not preclude loving them. No, indeed, it does not. I love them dearly and always will. But, love that coddles weakness in others does not strengthen the giver or the receiver. It damages everyone in the end. So, here's to repairing the damage and healing the wounds!

Journeys

2006-09-03T21:41:00.000-04:00

As may be apparent from previous blogs, I have been on a journey. Not to a *place* but to a...different level of being, of awareness. It has been a journey into the dark. A journey I would not trade or alter. It has given me such valuable mementos. Yes, I had the opportunity to pick up a few souveniers on my trip.
I got the one where I learned to listen, really listen to my body and give it what it needs. Cause if I don't, it lets me know!
I got the one where I realised that the Goddess was there the whole time; a witness and a support but not easing anything I needed to experience, not *saving* me. Allowing me to do my own learning and growing. I felt *held* but I knew the work was mine to do.
I have brought back with me a knowledge of how fragile I can be and that it doesn't actually mean I am weak.
I have a new awareness of my motives in relationships. Now whether or not I can put that information to go use or not remains to be seen.
This was not a journey I would have embarked on gleefully but it was very useful and I am grateful for the experience. I find myself in a sea of calmness today. I needed that calmness and was surprised by it. I had to have a conversation with Chris. It was important that I get some information that I needed to set clear boundaries and I really needed for myslef to ask him to sort out the lies from the truth. Well, in as far as he can be trusted, he did. I am inclined to believe him because it would have served him better to say they were all lies. Which he did not. And this information is vital in setting boundaries that I can live with. Like, is he welcome in my house? No, I do not entertain active addicts in my home. I do not! Is he still my friend? Yes, but there must be a new distance between us. I can not and will not play games with him. I am not going to stand around and watch while he explodes. But, I can allow him to make his own choices and learn his own lessons and still love him. Right now, he does not understand why my love feels different to him. The boundaries have been reset. They feel cold.

And something else:
A line from a chant: We dare to call her to our lives.
Dancing changing we are.

We've had a lot of explosive rituals ever since last Samhain. I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm just noticing. I don't think we're done yet. I know this situation isn't done. (with Chris) And it leads into this. I was surprised by the grief that followed his announcement and the visions of all the dead addicts in my life. Each one has been present ever since he went back out. See, the love that I have for him will be a love that is really painful until this is resolved either by his death or his recovery. That may sound harsh but I think that is why these beloved dead have been haunting me. For what purpose, though? To help me perpare for his death? To help me remember just why I have set such stringent boundaries? As a reminder for me? I don't know, but they continue to swirl and share their pain. And I loved them too. Perhaps to remind me that love is not always enough. I hope they will further enlighten me soon.

Truth, Dare, Walk

2006-08-31T18:20:00.000-04:00

So many things have changed/happened in such a short time. I am a bit boggled at the moment and trying to sort it all into the right useful piles.
Recovery
Co-dependence
Self-care
The committee in my head
See, I really had no idea that I would react this way. I was relieved when Chris said he didn't need a sponsor. I was in way too deep and I couldn't find my way out. So, he opened the door. I didn't like that he's drinking again but, from my own perspective, it was a relief. But, then everything shifted and it was so not about him at all. What the hell was I doing all this time? So much shit came down at once. You name a category and I had something undealt with to put in. Well, my pet phrase about diving under the wave only works if you see it coming. I, apparently, had no idea I was even in the water. Knocked on my ass doesn't really cover it. Looking at behavior I would have sworn I wasn't doing, looking at behavior and actions that I find appalling. Thought I had worked that all out years ago. Hmm, what do I always say? It always comes back, its just different. So, can it be so different that you don't recognize it at all? Yes! My shit, anyway. And then there was the fucking scary, violent physical reaction I had to the shit I was dealing with. Guess there was some impovement or my body would not have reacted so vioently. It/she would have figured: Business as usual.
And then there was the crap that I figured I would never actually deal with. Looked at it, acknowledged its presence, and decided I wasn't going to deal with it, probably ever. Wrong! What fun!
Hope I don't need to have this much fun for a really long time!

2006-08-22T21:08:00.000-04:00

Well, Monday was better than Sunday and today was better than yesterday. Although, yesterday when I heard friends say things like, *Why didn't you call me?* and *I always want to hear your crap.* I felt loved. I keep breathing and one breath at a time I move away from grief into anger. At least there is more energy in anger than in grief. But, it does not consume my day or my thoughts. I feel it, I give it words if I can and I breathe. I will move on. I will find a way to be able to be open and helpful and yet I am afraid there will always be a detachment, a protection, I hope not. But, it would seem only natural. Yes? Having had this experience should make me wiser, not meaner. Yes?

grieving

2006-08-20T15:49:00.000-04:00

My sponsee is drinking. My coven's place of power is a white mist. Yeah, this ain't the best day I've ever had. Not that its a complete surprise but the reality kinda sucks. I was too close to be his sponsor. Live and learn. What now? We shall see, won't we. I am a flip, sarcastic person. But, right now I don't feel flip or sarcastic. Just grieved. A saddness so deep it makes my heart hurt. I've shed my tears for him and for myself. Yep. Cried for what I did to me. Am I angry? I'm not sure yet, but I suspect so. I was too positive or too blind. Or both. No one ever said *don't* so the *I told you so* is only in my head. I feel abandoned. I've done everything I know how to do. Program wise, magic wise, nothing left but to breathe through it and know that nothing lasts forever. In A.A. speak...*This too shall pass.* But I shall know it well before it goes. That way, if we should meet again, I will recognise it.

sad - changes

2006-08-18T16:59:00.000-04:00

I am sad. My coven is in a holding pattern. No rituals for the time being. I have my own and I have the public rituals...so far. I'm sure Andi will help with those, and Pandora. But, my one and only current covenmate is not someone I want to do ritaul with at the moment. It may be selfishness on my part...ritual mya be just what he needs. But, I am his sponsor and am getting a lot of shit on that side and I do not want to be the only one to hold it together anymore. So, it saddens me but it was my own doing. I may be goddess but I am not his higher power. He needs to connect with another entity for that. I am giving all I can. I know it sounds like whining, and it may be. But it is what it is. If anyone reads this and has a thought, let me know. I fell like I'm just being a bitch but, then, setting boundaries always makes me feel like that.

Hot!

2006-08-01T22:01:00.000-04:00

I'm not the competitive type. I really don't want to break any records set nearly 100 years ago. Especially when they involve extremes of weather. Plus, I work in this school which is an historical landmark and this fact seems to somehow, play a part in why we don't have air conditioning. So, I have consumed some 200 ounces of water (over a gallon, I think). And I was the water police at school. Yes, you do need water. NO puking because of the heat. No, no, no!! Drink. And we went to the pool from 12-3 and ran in the sprinklers form 4-6. Teachers too. and there was no puking and all was well and wet. One more day. Thursday is supposed to be better.

And, now I can see in living colour! My monitor was having issues. Ya'll were hot pink! I don't even like hot pink. Now, I have a normal colour scheme. Such pretty colours and such variety.

Yesterday

2006-07-30T11:11:00.000-04:00

Yesterday began MUCH earlier than I expected. 4am to be precise. My phone rang. It did indeed wake me up. It does not USUALLY ring at such an hour. So, I looked at the caller id and made the sinking decision to answer it. It was the young man I sponsor. 4 am phone calls are never good. Not as bad as I expected though. The *I've gone back out* call would have resulted in *Then call me when you're sober* but instead I heard an unintelligible string of and tears. Apparently, he went to a nasty place in his memory where his life was pretty much shit and he was being abused. Then to make it worse, he kept trying to tell himself it didn't really happen. Understandable, but not terribly useful. It was remarkably like talking to someone on acid. I was more than certain that he was still in whatever place he had gone to and couldn't get back yet. It was kinda scary. I briefly entertained the idea of driving to his house, but I knew he was not alone. Although what his lover thought of this turn of events is anyone's guess. He has not spoken of it. So, I talked to him until he seemed more lucid. And told him to eat and drink some water. Possibly not the most creative of ideas but it was 4 fucking o'clock in the morning.
So, being a somewhat normal person, I made some decisions (after having gone back to sleep until the sun was up) and did my sitting and went to yoga class and showered and called some folks before I made any attempt to talk to him again. My biggest concern is causing more harm. I had some people say things like *he's so damaged that you can't possibly cause more harm.* I don't believe that. If I reinforce what he has already learned from life then, I think I could actually do more harm. I don't think that being honest and expecting honesty from him is harmful. Painful for him, yes. But, harmful? No.
After I saw him and assured myself that he was this side of sane (just) I proceeded to get ready for our Lughnasadh Ritual. It was small and lovely. Not too sure my trance was the best, but, if nothing needs work, I'm ready for the grave. We had 2 new people and the old people. A woman who has been looking for Reclaiming in Pittsburgh for a year. We've been out there since 2003! Everything in its own time. Funny how we're so hard to find. I remember when I was looking and finding nothing. Cause there was nothing. So, we started something. Now, at least, there are folks to find. And we're listed on the website for crying out loud! We have contact numbers and email and a yahoo group that always answers queries. I know, cause I answer them. AND, we're listed on Witchvox as a group and events are listed. So, anyway, that's my rant.
And then, after the ritual we went out for coffee and I didn't get home til late. Now, it is today. Not quite such a crush of activites but plenty to do, nonethe less. So, I'm off to do stuff.

2006-07-28T23:18:00.000-04:00

So, enough about other people. Where am I at? Well, I feel like I am sort of in an inbetween place. Or, maybe a jumping off place would be a better way of explaining it. Not that I'm not content with where I am, I am. But, I feel like a lot is happening that I can't actually put words to. Like I'm moving but I can't see where I'm going yet. Like walking while looking at your feet. I feel like I'm detecting movement but it is so subtle that the shift is not complete enough to be noticable yet. Like watching the sun set or clouds move on a windless day. And yet, some changes have shifted enough to be felt. But, unfortunately, I can not put them into words...but I want to. I'm very wordy. That's sone of the shifts. I am becoming more *careful* with my words. Not that I don't talk A LOT still, cause I do. But, I am more aware of my words and their impact. Even on me. And I've been craving, and taking time and space for myself. A lot of time and space. It must have been needed. I am still feeling the need for my own time and space. But, I really enjoyed coffee tonight and the prospect of ritual tomorrow. And next weekend. Tha's the payoff of time for me; I enjoy time with my friends so much more when I've given myself the time I need.
Weird post, I know.

shifting

2006-07-27T21:43:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was stuck in how painful it is to watch someone else in pain. Today, I am okay with the watching. This feels weird. Like I'm saying pain is okay. Which it is. Yesterday I was afraid I was doing harm to someone else by being uncompassionate. I was not. I listened, I was present, Iwas supportive. I want to be able to be more helpful. But since I do not know how what I can do must be enough. Or they must find different support elsewhere. I cannot sanction staying in the pain but I can honour being there.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-26T21:36:00.000-04:00

I'm going to go with the chance that no one will read this and just write what is on my heart...cause otherwise my heart will explode!
I sponsor this kid in A.A. and he is working on his 4th step right now. It is a hugely painful process for anyone, but up close it is almost too much to watch. I can't help him really. This is his process and it is a painful one. The phone calls are so draining. He wants to be *let off the hook* and told he doesn't have to do this. But, that is not the case. This is where the magic meets the road. It is the beginning of a lifetime of work. The work becomes more familiar but I don't know that it becomes any easier. I guess the first time you do this from a place of honesty is the most painful. And there it is. I'm not sure he is doing this from a place of honesty. Yes, he wants the relief that will come from this process but he wants it without the work and the pain. It doesn't happen like that. Okay, he wants the easier, softer way. It does not exist. At least not an easier, softer way that will keep him sober and let him learn how to live at ease with himself. I am afraid he is playing games and just doing this because I said he needed to do something. I said, do a 4th step. But, I'm his sponsor, not his higher power. I feel lost and like I'm doing more harm thatn good. I suggested he get a new sponsor but he does not want to.
I did some divination over this and the result was a yes, you are helping. I don't see how. Perhaps my lesson in all of this is to learn patience with someone else's suffering while not actually being able to DO anything. Just be present for them. I wish I had a bandaid or an ice pack that would help his wounds but I do not. I am very afraid that he is not able to see himself honestly yet and therefore will not find the healing he is seeking. But, this too is something I cannot *fix*.

owie...but good

2006-07-23T23:26:00.000-04:00

No one told me when I started yoga, oh 6-7 years ago, that it could be strenuous. See, at the time, I was convinced I was made of eggshells or some equally fragile substance. Well, I know that now. What I didn't know was that I didn't keep up on my own. Thought I did. Seemed pretty flexible. Well, WRONG!! So, owie. But its okay. I feel alive. And lighter. Not sure how that works. Must be an alignment thing. At least I understood what was going on. I hate being *the new kid* and having no idea what is happening. No, I'm not a control freak. (smirk)

Shadow Work

2006-07-23T23:07:00.000-04:00

I am sponsoring a kid in A.A. He's on his 4th step. He had a moment of remorse at witchcamp because he didn't take the shadow path. He didn't need to. He's got shadow work of his own. Welcome to the world of raiths. Nightmares. No sleep. I remember. I know. He feels like he's the only person in the whole world who has such hard work to do. No one said it was easy. Just that it works. Its painful to watch and hard on my end too. But, at least, I can assure him that it DOES work. The shadows get different. One develops skills for working with them. They lay new patterns and become habit. Ways of working in the world and the innerworld. It will become more comfortable. Note, I did not say it gets any easier. But, knowing the pattern of work leading to ease of living with myself, I know the payoff is worth the effort. So, I watch and listen and tell him how it was with me. He freaks out. I listen. It's HARD! I know that. But it's worth the work!

Next will come the step wherein he will learn the meaning of some of his favourite words: integrity and *know my in all my parts*. See, in the next step, he must share his 4th step with another human being. It will be a step toward wholeness and REAL acceptance of ALL his parts. Those parts we want to take with us to the grave and never really SEE. They lose their power when confronted and spoken. Its like magic. Blessed be the Powers of Air. Building integrity and *knowing*.

Patterns

2006-07-19T21:12:00.000-04:00

I think I see a pattern here. First something happens. It creates strong emotions. Mostly anger, resentment. Then, grief. Then there is movement. I find it interesting that emotions I would *think* would cause or allow movement just seem to cause or allow *spin*. In which one spins in the emotion and nothing much changes except sometimes things get broken. And then, in the waves of an emotion that I tend to think of as rather paralyzing, things begin to shift, and change, and happen. I like patterns.

Just for fun, how many can ya think of?

drum beat patterns: I'll stop there because these need no explanation.
colors
shapes
words
letters
life cycles
experiences (apparently)
sounds
numbers (but, of course)

Just thinkin'

2006-07-16T21:37:00.000-04:00

The joints in my legs have mutinied. They now reside on that island with the descendants of HMS Bounty. I hope they are happy. This all took place because I decided I could jog 6 miles! What was I thinking?! Well, okay, in all honesty, I did walk some. But still. I don't know when my knees and the balls of my feet will forgive me. And I was wearing really good shoes. So...could this be obcession. I do think one could call it that. Note to self: MUST SET REALISTIC GOALS! Yeah, I will not be doing that again soon. But, I did do it, so, if ever it comes up in conversation, I am capable of such.

And then, there is that musing from yesterday. I have come to realize that I have to let other people have their process. Even if it is painful to watch. And it is. But from such threads the fabric of our lives are woven.

thoughts on coddling and compassion

2006-07-15T20:46:00.000-04:00

So, I've been thinking lately about boundaries and compassiona and coddling. Now, for background, I am rather good at coddling. I am compassionate to a fault. I must stop myself from doing for others what they can do for themselves. This, for me, is a learned skill. As I get older, it becomes easier...I have less energy I am willing to devote to someone else's work. This is good all round. I have a mentoree who needs to be spoken to plain. He needs words unmixed with euphemism. These confuse and he runs off at a tangent and gets lost in the surrounding forest. It's not about the forest. He CAN see how his own behaviour works. He just gets tired when he realizes that he is the one who needs to do the work to change the things that keep him up at night and cranky in the day. I had a day, today when it was necessary to say many things in plain language. Being me, I try to find the kindest way to say them. There is no point in using the truth to wound people who are already bleeding. But, sometimes the method by which the wound can be healed is as painful as living with the infected wound. I know that. But, once the wound is treated, it can begin to heal. Look at the painful shit. Face it head on. He is trying. I am trying to hold my boundaries. I have a life that does not include him. I have practise that does not include him. (Although we share a coven.) It is not good if his pain bleeds into every part of my life. He asked me today, *How do I separate from people I know are sick and still keep the relationship?* Well, that's a good question. It takes a lot of work and on occasion talk and tears. Especially if that person is a room mate. And it may be that you need to make plans to move on. The relationship may be so sick that it is not a keeper. I've had a few of those myself. They are hard to stay in and hard to get out of. Getting out, I always wonder what got me started in the first place and what need kept me there until the sickness hit me like a brick? I have boundaries today that keep me in a place where I can set the limits for my life. No one will set them for me. I am the only one in charge of my self care. If I do the things that keep me healthy and sane I'll be on no use to anyone else. Or myself. I'm feeling okay with the things I said to him today. They were not easy but they were true. They were hard truths, but he asked the questions and as his mentor, I felt that speaking the plain truth so that it could be looked at was the best thing. He's been dancing around these issues for a long time. Months. If no one calls it what it is...it is called denial. Let's be honest. Let's look at this for what it really is. Then you can decide if you want to lance it and get the pus out or live with the infection. It was a hard day. I am emotionally exhausted. I was physically exhausted but I took a nap. That helped. Apparently, sleep helps us process difficult things. Stagnation or blindness can keep us awake. A deliberate ply by our subconscious to not see, not process, something we find scary? I'm just thinking, is all.

Ranting

2006-07-12T20:35:00.000-04:00

Excuse me while I rant! I'm just annoyed at people not minding their own bloody business. See, how someone else chooses to live or behave is noy really my business unless it affects me personally! Otherwise it just sounds co-dependent and controling to me. And yes, it gets my back up when this happens. (it's not happening *to me* mind you. Just going on in a chat I've been having on another blog.) I have said my piece. I took a stand for everyone getting to have their own experience and therefore weaving their own life. Whether I would make those chioces or not. Just saying...

Life is like a day at the beach

2006-07-10T10:47:00.000-04:00

My motto is Continuous Change and Infinite Possibilities but, I have a new one that has been helpful lately.
If you dive into the wave, it won't knock you over. Ya get just as wet, mind you. But ya don't get a nose full of salt water. Now, this too can be helpful, and cleansing, but then you need a tissue.
Just thinkin'.

2006-07-09T22:08:00.000-04:00

This is nearly unheard of, but I have another post all in the same day. eblogger likes me today. Sometimes it won't let me in. So, I'll take advantage and post twice. I am very excited. I jogged today. I have not been able to jog in a few years. My knees would not take it. Well, I got some new shoes and I made an interesting little discovery while teaching my summer camp kids how to use a Skip It.
I discovered a way to put my feet down that was less jarring. Woo Hoo!